Midlife Club

‘Survivor Wisdom’

From the Midlife Club forum comes this exchange between a new member and a survivor. First, the questions:

These are the questions that have plagued my mind over the past few weeks.  I know the answers to most of them.  Many people on this forum have asked them long before me, but that doesn’t stop the questions from intruding into my thoughts every day, multiple times a day.  They are exhausting questions, and I’m hoping by writing them down I give them to the universe to share the burden and won’t spend so much of my energy on them. More »

The following was posted on the Midlife Club Forum. It is reprinted here with permission of the forum member who retains all rights to the contents.

I am Scooter. I am Asshat’s ex-wife. I am writing you for two reasons: 1) to clear up misconceptions that I’ve learned you are under and 2) to use my divorce and devastation as a lesson for others.

The following is my truth, my reality, and my experience.

Misconceptions
On September 2011 Asshat stated that he “wanted to stop all the lying” and informed me that he was having an affair with a married women for the last 1.5+ years and had been dating other women casually as well for the last 10 years of our marriage. He requested that I agree to a solution in which he would be more engaged with the family during the week and would visit his “go-go dancing” affair partner every other weekend in Vegas. Although I was told of a mere fraction of his “mini romances,” as he called them at the time, and I was given very few specifics, I told him to leave that day and I filed for divorce 3 weeks later. Not only did I never once consider reconciliation, I would never even knowingly befriend a person like this. More »

This past woman is your Anima. Your fantasy. She is the picture of perfection.  She is your perfect vision. Your wife will not win to compete with such perfection. You can never attain her. She is perfection while you have flaws just like any other human. More »

I am about 2.5 years into a midlife crisis, and have had some insight into my situation, but I am still struggling and have not moved on either with my wife or another person. I am doing a lot of soul searching, reading, meditating, praying and both spiritual and psychological counselling. More »

I would like to offer Paddy’s Six Stages of Midlife Crisis or, more appropriately Six Stages of Paddy’s Midlife Crisis. More »

It is almost two years since the first bomb drop. And the up and down of denying another woman and finally saying that there was. Then minimizing it because it was just an emotional affair and not sexual. This is what I have learned from this board: More »

A few things I want to impart to all of you that are new here is this: hold on to yourself, search your soul for answers, not your spouse’s words. If they are in crisis their words will only control and confuse you. More »

For those who have just found themselves in this situation, not all midlife marriage problems are due to “mid-life crisis”, but midlife can be a stressful time for marriages. More »

A lot of the posts on this board have talked about still loving the person who is having the midlife crisis. That is to be expected, and for a very long time. More »

First, NONE of us knows how we or our wayward spouse or anybody else will feel from one day to the next, let alone months down the road. As you pointed out, he was writing loving things up to the point where he walked out! So there is absolutely no telling if or when he might have yet another major change of heart. More »

I spoke with six lawyers before I hired one. Five of the six had about the same information and plan, the sixth was just out for bloodsport (and my money, I think). I checked and the facts he gave me were wrong – either he was misinformed or misleading ME. More »

Whether you’re a left behind spouse or in midlife crisis, there is a common theme of “taking care of you” that gets talked about frequently and for good reason. Unfortunately when we are in the middle of crisis in our lives, the concept gets absolutely lost in the daily stress. More »

If I am completely honest, some good things have come out of the pain. I have a long way to go, but I wanted to share my success. I was too involved with my adult daughter. I had almost an unhealthy bond with her because I was worried about her mental health all the time. I tried to save her from hurt and financial problems, terrible bosses, etc. and by doing this, she took a lot of my energy. (Probably away from where I should have been focusing.) More »

You are doing sooo well so far! Hang in there, stay committed to the path you’ve chosen and it will get easier with time. I wish it could be an overnight thing, but our hearts just don’t work that way. More »

Caveat #1: these are my feelings only, and basically are worth exactly that much. I’m not a shrink, I’m not a counselor, I’m just a guy. More »

I think we all have our answers inside of us. Sometimes there just seem to be more than one voice going on and you have no idea who to believe!! More »

Not sure what’s gotten into me lately, maybe it’s just the summer heat & humidity but I think I’m just plain tired of this sh*t. More »

I have been reading and following many threads on this forum and/or talking to several of you on the phone these past few days who, I feel are basically in the same boat. More »

We men have three basic needs; we will have them until we die. If we are transgressed against in the meeting of these needs we will fight irrationally to meet them. If we feel at a deficit for them we will seek other avenues to get them. We will commit all our energies to achieve them. We are bestowed with greatest honor when we receive them. More »

During the past 13 months since ‘the first speech’ on 22nd October 2007 I have learnt many new things and experienced many situations I never imagined could happen to me, some good, more bad. More »

This isn’t about you or the marriage this is all about him and the internal panic and confusion that he is suffering from. He is searching for some indefinable something and until his search is over you will be banging your head against a brick wall. This is one of the reasons why marriage counseling doesn’t really help in these situations. More »

What does testosterone have to do with midlife Crisis?

Well it doesn’t take too much of a stretch of imagination to understand. We men have always known that “feeling good” and testosterone boosts go hand-in-hand. But now that science has caught up to our grade 9 science class they finally have something to say. More »

I don’t know about you but I get tired of hearing it! I have Satellite TV with SPIKE and all the latest stations but in the evening they have these crazy commercials on about “male enhancement” – you know… buy such and such a pill and big problems are no longer a problem! I mean… I just want to leave the room embarrassed for being a man. More »

There is no Rosebud. Even if there were, finding Rosebud wouldn’t ‘cure’ Midlife Crisis. It’s a CRISIS of identity. It’s when someone urgently questions every aspect of their self and gets freaked right the hell out because the answers that worked in the past don’t work any more. More »

Therapist and Author, Jed Diamond speaks in his interviews of the typical male ‘cycle’. Yes, you heard right – a ‘male cycle’. Not PMS but an MMS (monthly male cycle). More »

Have spent the last 3 or 4 years of my life reading, searching, talking, and slowly finding. Have had my MLC, and perhaps I am still finding my way through that, but along the way I have sought to understand my past experiences in religion and the church… More »

A lot of the posts on the forum have talked about still loving the person who is having the mlc. That is to be expected, and for a very long time. Maybe we still see them, so here is alot of intermittent reinforcement going on, keeping us hanging in. More »

The following “book” originated on The Midlife Club forum several years ago in a thread started by a member with the forum ID of Boosbrde. It has been copied and posted to other sites, mostly without crediting where it originated. More »

Not sure what’s gotten into me lately, maybe it’s just the summer heat & humidity but I think I’m just plain tired of this sh*t. More »

Today, it is 2 years since I got the speech “I’m not happy, I haven’t been happy for over 6 months and I don’t love you anymore.” Two days later, he was gone – moved into a motel for a few weeks then rented a house. We had been together for 20 years and had 3 children. More »

After analysing my MLC to death (It’s my nature and my job to analyze and trouble shoot things) I have a few observations. More »

At this point in my life, I feel “trapped.” All these things I read about MLC is becoming my reality. I “feel” a lot more things, like I feel like I “earned” it. More »

Posted on the Midlife Club forum by Dewpoint who said: “Just a little sumpin’ I wrote to the tune of ‘Hotel California’. (With apologies to The Eagles).” More »

The funniest thing keeps happening to me and it’s got me wondering. It seems whenever I talk to a new guy for a period of time 2 wks to 1 month they start confessing their love for me. More »