Not sure what’s gotten into me lately, maybe it’s just the summer heat & humidity but I think I’m just plain tired of this sh*t.

The first book H’s chaplain had us read and discuss long-distance was “5 Love Languages”. It says that there are 5 basic ways to express and receive affection, and regardless of how many or how much of these ways you receive expressions of love, if you don’t get enough of your PRIMARY way, your “love tank” will eventually run dry. Considering I’m not getting ANY input these days, the engine appears to be sputtering.

My counselor asked what I’m “afraid” of in this situation, a question that really annoyed me for a while. It seemed stupid, of course I’m afraid I’m losing the Love of My Life!

But I’ve begun to think (realize?) that I already LOST the “Love of My Life” last January and I’m still here. So that’s not why I’m afraid after all.

I think what I’m afraid of is BEING WRONG.

Was I WRONG to fall in love with him so long ago? Wrong to marry him? Wrong to spend 25 years with him, sharing my dreams and fears and bills and bed, etc?

It’s taken a while but those answers are NO, NO, NO, based on what I knew at the time.

BUT now I wonder, am I WRONG to keep hoping/expecting the Love of My Life to come back, in the body of the man I married?

That has slowed me down just a bit in the “crying myself to sleep” department.

Counselor also asked what I WANT. Another irritating question, I WANT MY LIFE (as I knew and planned it) BACK, I WANT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE BACK!

Now I wonder.

What I WANT is the LIFE I THOUGHT I HAD back, the one I’ve worked toward all my life. How do I do that?

I always assumed husband was the key, get husband back and the Life would come back. It’s finally sinking in that regardless of what he said or did in 2003 and before that, NOW he may not want to or be able to contribute to the LIFE I THOUGHT I HAD and STILL WANT.

The longer I stew for HIM, the less chance I have of EVER getting back to that life.

Someone on this forum asked about “soul mates” and I fumed because the concept really is stupid. But, here I am, acting as if my husband is the ONLY MAN IN THE WORLD who can help me create the LIFE I THOUGHT I HAD AND STILL WANT.

And what really torques me off is that HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WANTS, yet he’s derailing what we’ve invested 25 years in! He’s now preventing me from having what I want, what I’ve always wanted, what he agreed he wanted, too, but he doesn’t even know why!!!!!

It helps, I think, that husband is so far away. If I had to see, feel, smell him nearby it would be next to impossible to think clearly; I don’t know how people do it. But the longer he goes without even EMAILING me, the easier it is to see that he’s being a selfish, cold a$$. Regardless of his “reasons”, “justifications”, and “needs”, he has NO RIGHT to treat me that way. It’s just plain RUDE. I only deserve it if I LET him, and if I LET HIM he has every reason to continue.

Not that I can change his behavior, by “let him” I mean, it’s only bad treatment if I expect better from him. It’s slowly settling in my head that I simply cannot expect anything better from the person he currently is. AND THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO OR SAY OR NOT DO OR NOT SAY TO CHANGE THAT.

I don’t want a divorce, yet, although I have to admit the thought doesn’t make me sob anymore, just weep a bit. And I’m sure that when the papers are filed, by either side, it will be a very rough time. But I’m just starting to be able to accept that it just might be exactly what I need to do to get back to the LIFE I THOUGHT I HAD.

What do I want? I want to be cherished, cuddled, and complimented, by someone who is committed to being kind and faithful to ME and ME ALONE. I don’t want to spend any more time feeling “settled for”, always feeling like I’ve somehow failed, come up lacking. I realize that at least for the past couple of years, that’s exactly what I was feeling but I was clinging to what I thought we “really” had, and trying to figure out what I was doing wrong, what he was so unhappy about.

I want someone who is secure in himself enough and respects himself AND ME enough to SHARE his thoughts, fears, dreams, weaknesses. I USED to have that with H, not sure when that “went away”…

I want someone who is happy to see me, hear from me, be with me, and is strong enough to show that. If that person is the one I’ve invested 25/40 of my life with that would be great, but I’m no longer looking at it as a loss of that time if this is as far as it goes. The loss of time is from NOW ON, when I’m treading water alone, feeling none of those things in the first line of this paragraph.

Time is running out, but not for ME. I’m spending time, investing time. He’s wasting time.

A couple of years ago I fixated on a Bon Jovi song and it’s been running through my head quite a bit again lately…

It’s my life
And it’s now or never
’cause I ain’t gonna live forever
I just want to live while I’m alive

That still holds, for both of us I guess. The difference is, I know what I want to do with my life. He doesn’t, and right now, he’s holding me up. I’m willing to wait for him because of the commitment I made, but HE released me from that verbally so I’m not sure just how much more of my life I’m willing to spend on someone who’s spinning in circles.

Counselor keeps reminding me I don’t have to stand still while I’m waiting… so I’m not any more. He’ll have to run to catch up, at this rate. Counselor says IF he wants to, he will. If not, I’m still making progress toward MY goals.

I don’t want to wait so long that I end up bitter about the GOOD parts, as I’ve seen happen here. I don’t want to let the events and actions since The Speech negate the 25 years that preceded it. But for the sake of those 25 years and the man he was, I’ll give it a bit more time… but not so much of myself anymore.

And that is making all the difference.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum in 2004 by forum member Pegasus. All rights reserved.