A few things I want to impart to all of you that are new here is this: hold on to yourself, search your soul for answers, not your spouse’s words. If they are in crisis their words will only control and confuse you.

If you believe in your heart that your relationship was meant to be and love is there on both sides, even if it’s buried in confusion, hang on to that.

Don’t try to control their actions or their direction, lovingly detach the way you would with a child trying to figure out a puzzle piece.

As a friend told me, plan plans, not outcomes. Nothing you do or say will affect them in their decision. Just love at your distance and believe they will feel it.

On a practical matter, I was told this by a few posters here and I wish I had followed this advice. It is my only regret in all of this. Don’t tell too many people in your life the details of what you are going through. Save that for a trusted friend, your therapist and here on this board.

If you are hoping to reconcile don’t share too much with too many. Because if they come back, though you may be able to forgive them because your love is unconditional and true, others may not have the same ability to understand and forgive as easily.

This is really important. I have a little bit of a mess to clean up because I see there are people in my life that will have a hard time with our reconciliation due to the fact I share all of the pain he inflected on me and my family and on some of them.

Other than that, I am proud of myself and see in myself more than ever my abliity to love someone unconditionally and fully despite the fact, and including the fact, that the people we love are fallable, can make mistakes, can hurt us, and are just plain human. And we all want to be loved that way. We all want to be loved for every part of our being including the imperfect parts.

So this is what I say to everyone here, you may not know where the outcome will be in your life. I don’t know that my marraige will survive this but I know we will try. But if you go into this journey with an open and true heart, hold on to yourself and do what feels best and right for you, the outcome that life will have brought you will include many new lessons about who you are, what you need, and indeed, will be the one that is right for you. The universe won’t have it any other way.

My journey is not over since my life is my journey and wisdom comes in many forms. I still have so much to learn.

To all that have been here through this with me I say thanks and that doesn’t feel like it is close to enough. To all who are new here hang on! Life is not easy but we have been warned of that.

This is just life teaching us lessons, sometimes painful ones. But they are still gems to carry away with us as we continue on our path.

Posted on The Midlife Club Forum in 2001 by forum member uineen. All rights reserved.