At this point in my life, I feel “trapped.” All these things I read about MLC is becoming my reality. I “feel” a lot more things, like I feel like I “earned” it.

I do not get a sense of appreciation from my wife. Perhaps I want or need her “approval” that I deserve this car which is about $75k. I know it’s a lot of money. I also know I can earn it. It is part of my plan for being a goal oriented person.

My life is like a check list:

  • School. Done.
  • Get a Job. Done.
  • Get married. Done.
  • Buy a house. Done.
  • Have kids. Done.
  • Buy family cars. Done.
  • Invest. Done (sold business), and doing.
  • Save for retirement. Doing.
  • Save for college. Doing.
  • Buy a nice car that I would enjoy while “young” …
  • Travel. Done some.

I could have bought a more expensive car back then when I was single.
But I settled for less, a more practical 1986 Nissan Sentra–a payment of maybe $150 a month during our long distance relationship, I was spending $300 a month on phone calls alone.

Then I bought a 93 Nissan Quest a mini-van. Then a 98 Montero Sport (SUV) for her (she was wroking then). Then a 99 Toyota Sienna mini-van for me in anticipation of son’s birth. I drive the Montero now, and she the Sienna.

I want a fun car. SLK 55, and must be a 2007 model. She counters by wanting a mercedes also, a GL class model suv which would be about the same price as the SLK 55. $60k + options. So in my financial calculations, cutting down on some expenses, less of my 401k, and from my savings, I can handle the payments.

She on the other hand is willing to take out lump sum to pay her GL which would be rediculous as the interest from the capital gains was sustaining the extra expense she kept going.

In the past, when she spends money, I would spend money in “retaliation” but that did not go anywhere as I end up paying for it anyway since I’m the only one with significant income the last 7 years.

Anyway, we went to Vegas for New Years. I no longer have the urge to gamble like I use to, so I’m happy with that. We agree that $500 each was our limit to gamble.

I played for one hour Sunday morning and stuck to my limit. I actually won $875 but I did not tell her. I told her I won enough to get free breakfast. Gave her some, and gave kids arcade money.

She played for 4 hours later on Sunday. She told me she lost $500. Then Monday, she told me she withdrew $800 but lost $500. I don’t see any of the $300, and I have left over cash to cover my allowance this week.

I also kept my December bonus which was not direct deposit. I have over $2k in cash in my sock drawer now.

I plan to e-bay whatever “new junk” I see in the garage. Liquify all the clutter. I should generate at least another $3k from all of those. But I need to start separating bank accounts–I just did not have time to do my errands during my vacation last week.

so bold and sassy said:

Have you ever sat down and discussed with your wife how you feel about money? Money is the power center in the family. You are already beginning to “hide” money from your wife. I understand you think she spends too much. Just before I got the speech my H was calling “our” bank account “his money.” It was pretty scary!

It seems there are several things which cause a woman to overspend: codependency in a woman will make them spend to “feel good,” depression or unhappy feelings will make a woman spend more too in order to “feel good,” and if the woman is not getting enough emotional support – she will also spend too much.

I have no idea why your wife spends too much, but it might help to understand why she does this. When my husband mentioned his mlc reasons for being upset with me, he NEVER mentioned money, but I suspected it was there somewhere in his mind.

I decided I wanted to look at this issue in myself because I felt I was guilty of overspending.

Before my husband’s hit mlc, I was spending money, but I make my own money (80+K) and I paid 1/2 the bills and bought generously for my 3 “step”daughters whom I raised along with my husband, and I love with all of my heart as my own. What action do you think would make you stop resenting your wife? I thought I was contributing financially, but from what you are saying, I wonder how many men think this way?

I wonder why men do not talk to their wives about this feeling of financial inequality in the home. I also am bothered by the idea that men do not value their wive’s contribution by cooking, cleaning, and working at the same time?? I appreciate your feeling of entitlement, but can you also see that your wife feels entitled in her way as well.

Perhaps when a left behind spouse becomes exposed to the roller coaster of mlc, he/she will no longer sacrifice for their spouse. I know I put my husband and my family first all of the time while we were married, and I find myself looking at decisions nowadays from the perspective that I will not “hurt” myself financially or emotionally for someone else.

Maybe you could pick 2 or three financial points and write them down and have your wife do the same. That approach might allow you to get those feelings out and away from stuffing them and resenting one another.

I was plunged into debt by my husband’s abrupt departure 3 years ago. I sold a fully loaded high end Volvo and bought a Saturn Ion red Sports Coupe with a black interior. I lost the leather interior, the oh so wonderful seat heaters, and many other features when I downsized. I had to “blend” the old and new loans and it took the past 2 years to pay off the Volvo that I no longer even owned. I am breathing a sigh of relief that my payments are now paying off the loan on the Ion.

So help me to understand – exactly what does a wife have to do to prompt you men to open up and talk to us honestly and to stop resenting us?? I would sincerely love to understand how to open a dialogue on this.

In 2007, forum member Jim_May1986 posted to the Midlife Club forum about wanting a new car. This is his initial post plus a response from a woman on the forum. All rights reserved.