Midlife Club

The funniest thing keeps happening to me and it’s got me wondering. It seems whenever I talk to a new guy for a period of time 2 wks to 1 month they start confessing their love for me.

Wow! I was shocked when it first happened. The first guy told me after just a couple of weeks and we dated for a while. A few months passed and I met guy#2. He also became very serious rather quickly and said he was falling in love with me. I actually fell for him very hard and we had a kinda long term relationship. But as life goes, things did’nt work out and I started back on the dating scene.

Met guy#3- after only 3 weeks talking over the phone (we haven’t even met yet) just exchanged pics over the internet. He tells me the other night “you know I really, really like you. No, I love you”. He says he’s told me things that he’s never told anyone before. He feels he can talk to me about anything and I have all the qualities he’s looking for in a woman (intelligence, down to earth, sweet, considerate etc).

I was flattered, of course but I couldn’t say “I love you” back. I had just been enjoying his phone conversations. He is, in fact, very smart, witty, has an extremely sexy voice, so it’s not hard to just listen to him. But the fact is, I’m just dating right now and not looking to get serious again, just yet. I thought to confess this to him but haven’t had the nerve yet.

I am finding that most men out here are really looking for the “right” woman and not just sex like I thought they were.

Sonya40 said:

Sometimes saying they are in love with you, showering you with compliments and gifts hides an agenda, which is designed to get to the sex part quickly. Then a month later, they are pressing to move into your house! Been there. Lesson learned. You also have to realise the guys that seem romantically impulsive, will get out of a relationship with the same speed, and be straight out setting themselves up with a new “soulmate”.

My husband always claimed to have known, without a doubt, within two weeks that I was “the one”. I amuse myself, wondering who he’s professing all this love to now. When he left, he said he had achieved everything with me that he “felt” he wanted to experience. “There is nothing left to do with you” (like I am a project, or an activity or something). My advice is red flags for the guy who starts taking over your life, and is “too much, too soon”!!! The guy that seems so self-assured is often hiding a lot of insecurity.

KatetheGreat said:

Shana,
Have you not heard the saying,
“men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love”
Think about it.

Brother said:

Its not just men – it goes the other way two. I had a woman break down in tears after two weeks and tell me she didn’t know what she would do without me. She also started saying I love you within a couple of months.

quote: “men give love to get sex, while women give sex to get love”

I think there is something to that, at least in a lot of cases, but I don’t think it is a conscious conspiracy by men or woman – its just how we are made up.

I think they confuse infatuation with love. Hardly anybody uses that word anymore but when I meet someone for a few dates or even on the internet dating thing, I am initially infatuated until it doesnt work out and I meet someone else I am infatuated with.

Love takes longer to cultivate, you have to discern if a person really loves you through their actions.

It could be I love you for the fact that you turn me on, or I love you because you spend time with me, or I love you because you pay attention to poor me. I love the way other guys are jealous of me with you by my side. It could be I love the way you do it to me. All this constitute to make someone think they are in love but unless it is nurtured and is born out of sincere honesty, it will not last. Sometimes they say that just to get into your pants and sometimes when it is said too fast you have to wonder about their emotional stability.

The Love that lasts, through waking up next to bad hair in the morning, bad breath, snoring, leaving the toilet seat up, bouts of intestinal flu etc. is a lot more illusive and takes longer to achieve.

It’s funny that I posted this sometime ago and my lastest post is one about a new guy who I fell for way too fast.

Update on the guys that said they loved me: The one I mentioned in the original post still calls me EVERY DAY – still is saying he loves me and when I asked him how he could say that he said he just loved my personality. We have not even been on one date yet – just talked by phone since Feb.06. His work schedule and mine do not coincide so we haven’t even met face to face. I really don’t see him as a boyfriend type but a really nice person to talk to.

I also met a guy of another race in the last 2 months. He also professed his love after just 2 dates and numerous phone calls. He works evenings so we usually talk briefly in the mornings when I am at work. He says I have everything he has been looking for in a woman and he hasn’t felt this way in a really long time. We have never had sex or anything. He says I have a great personality, very sexy and smart. I like him just because he likes me so much but I see no razzle-dazzle with him, so no chance of us being a real couple.

The latest guy that “I” really liked doesn’t seem to see any of my good qualities, just sees me as a booty call — go figure!??

You make some very good points kayleslie. In particular, I haven’t seen too many posts here where people distinguish between love and infatuation, or the emotional aspects of love vs. what I would call the more substantial aspects of love. I am sure most people here make these kinds of distinctions – I just don’t see them all that often.

Interesting conversation with a single girlfriend the other day. We have known each other for years and today we live in different towns but have always kept in touch. She is 50 and has never been married- wrong guys-didnt work out etc. Anyway she orginally introduced me to my soon to be X. She listened to me cry for months after H left. I am holding it together much better but still have my moments- Anyway she told me I don’t understand the way the real world works- she gets hit on all the time by Married men in her office.

She has been in love with one or two of them but it has never gone beyond “friendship” because she knows it would be wrong but told me I don’t understand that men fall out of love with their wifes and fall in love with their co-workers because they have so much in common and spend so much time together and that most women take the men up on their offers. She says she is in love with one of the married men know but keeps her distance and he is in love with her too.

When I asked her how come she doesn’t fall in love with the single men she dates she says she hasn’t met the right one. Maybe I haven’t been in the situation she has been, but since my H left and married men have found out, they have been hitting on me like crazy and a small part of me is flattered as it helps my self esteem right now, I have NO interest in them at all and actually lose respect for them for bad mouthing their wifes and even thinking I would entertain going out with them.

My girlfriend says that things are different today and that nothing is forever anymore and I have to let go and move on into the real world. I feel like an ailen in a strange world and don’t know what the rules are anymore or if I even like the game. Does anyone else feel this way? I haven’t starting dating yet as I’m not divorced yet, its been 7 months since he left, but I don’t seem to have any desire either. Is this normal?

Great sex can make someone think they are in love but like I said, what happens when you cant have sex anymore for health reasons, aging, hormonal shifts etc. Will that person still love you if not getting physical gratification from you?

It is true that some of the rules have changed. For example, there have been lots of discussions on the forum concerning woman dating younger men. But by no means does that mean it is a free-for-all, that nobody has to worry about anybody else’s feelings, or that cheating is ok, etc.

IMHO you still need to try and do what you think and know is right. For example, you mentioned that you didn’t feel good about dating right now – that doesn’t surprise me, because you are still married! And just because a lot of married guys are hitting on woman at work certainly doesn’t make that right either.

There is no question that it is a confusing time when a marriage is falling apart, but you still need to be faithful to your own moral code. That part of the equation has NOT changed as far as I am concerned.

But you do also need to “get a life” independent of your husband if he is MLC or your marriage is coming apart, and there are lots of threads on this forum that discuss that.

In 2005, forum member Shana a dating thread on the Midlife Club forum with the first post above. Other forum members added their comments. All rights reserved.