If I am completely honest, some good things have come out of the pain. I have a long way to go, but I wanted to share my success. I was too involved with my adult daughter. I had almost an unhealthy bond with her because I was worried about her mental health all the time. I tried to save her from hurt and financial problems, terrible bosses, etc. and by doing this, she took a lot of my energy. (Probably away from where I should have been focusing.)

But by realizing that now I am alone and have to take care of myself, we have talked and I have relinquished my constant worry about her. It is like a load that has been lifted off my shoulders!! I now can focus on myself and let her fend for herself. She assured me she would be alright. Wow!! (This in itself is a “growing up moment” for her.)

I also am not so frantic about my job. I found myself out of my comfort zone everyday trying to maintain a certain standard that was driving me crazy and creating for me a life that was ONLY work. I have let go there too.

Now, my next area to work on is me. I didn’t have a life outside of work and I don’t know how to develop one. I know I am interesting, but I feel boring because I am such a solitary person that I must force myself to do things. Where do I look? How do I do that and start fresh? That is my next big goal… and it is still dificult.

I filed, he filed… almost on the same day and I am constantly still thinking about what went wrong. This concentrating on myself is a lot more difficult that it looks but I am still refreshed by the two big changes that have happened already.

A short story… Kafka’s Metamorphosis is about a man who turns into a cockroach. At first he is overly concerned about his family and what will happen to them. The family becomes surprisingly resilient and stronger because he is no longer there. They flourish. However, the man remains the cochroach.

I told my husband the story and smiled. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but it was right at the beginning of this whole divorce thing.

I also have learned something else about not beating myself up over… I see where I could have done some different things earlier in our marriage..the kids swallowed me up and so did my job. BUT… WE DO THE BEST WITH WHAT WE CAN AT THE TIME, and I have to remind myself of that. Now my adult children have wonderful lives of their own and I have only wonderful support from them. This whole thing has been going on for less than a year and I have a long way to go.

Posted on the Midlife Club forum by forum member maestra_herida. All rights reserved.