You project her, this Anima to this woman of your past.  And of course what you perceive is such perfection that compared to your wife, your wife is last place.  But your projection is fantasy, not real.  Your projection to this fantasy life remake, life rewind, life do-over, a life of what-if is totally in a league of its own compared to the real life, compared to your real live that you lived, compared to the life you had with your wife.

Life is hard, it sucks, and in that hardship, we gain wisdom, and humility, learn to appreciate that good and joyful moments despite the tragedies that come along with it.  If life is all perfect, then it only has one taste.  And you will not know the bitter taste of the bad times and the sweetness of the good time.

This Anima, this perfection is your own illusions.  This is you avoiding to confront your own human failings, your own flaws.  To you, you see your flaws are something that make you unworthy of love as a person.  Despite all the achievements you pile on top of that flaw, deep inside you–you despise yourself because of such flaws.

When you are wisened to begin liking and loving yourself, just as you are, then the flaws are part of you and still make you worthy of love.  It is then ok to have the Anima, that perfection to strive for, but attaining Anima does not define you. 

What defines you is how you live your life daily as yourself, flaws and all, how you celebrate this life in every step of the way.

You lived your life, and moved on the past 42 years without this woman of your past.  You achieved things in life, and pursued this for yourself, for the good of what you believed.  Your Anima existed, without this woman of the past 42 years. You did without her all along.  You got here with your wife along the way. 

How then can you honestly say that today, this woman of the past was the reason how your life turned out?  Your life now is whatever it is because of the very decisions you made in your life.  Those were your choices, and thus you created your own responsibilities.  All decisions and responsibilities are your own, and each have consequences.  You deal with those because they are within you.  Even if you run away hoping for a clean slate, you are still you and they remain within you.

Believe me, I’ve had such Anima and perceived and believed it true.  It seems like a script that MLC’ers get and follow.  I was lucky that I was not put in that position to make the possibility be more probable.  I was lucky that some wise men shared their experiences with me and said they regret and wish they did not do what ever destructive path they chose. 

I hope to return the favor and tell you, do nothing and confront yourself and answer, “what do I want in my life?”

Play it out in your head–not just the good parts….

You hook up with this woman of your past, and then what? Have sex to your contentment, really, and then what after that?  How do you picture yourself waking up, who’s doing the breakfast, who’s doing the cleaning from the bedsheet stains?  You need to showers, who’s cleaning the toilet eventually?

Oh, it’s the weekend, so head out and eat out, maybe a champagne brunch. Oh heck, just fly to Vegas for a week, live the high roller life–it’s only a week.  Drop some major cash, perhaps fill up the plastic, live life–life is short.

Come next weekend, or maybe just extend your fun trip for another week.  After all, the sex was good, different styles and she does wild things in her age–without any trace of inhibition.

But eventually, same old p*ssy is pretty much the same even if you’re just page 10 in the Kama Sutra.  You start noticing her quirks, sometimes irritating.  She has hang ups and baggage, too; not the same as your (ex)wife, but it is there.  She smells different, a different kind of stink that was exciting before, but not so hot anymore. 

You start seeing her as normal in her own way, and very much unlike your wife.  You soon get bored with her, or she bored with you.  Her interest goes in other directions not similar as yours.  You start comparing her with your (ex)wife and seeds of doubt you might possibly f*cked a perfectly imperfect marriage that you traded for this.

You read more stuff, seeking for answers.  You run into some post about the “in love” brain chemical that says that early “in love” brain chemical is addicting, but eventually wanes and loses its addictive properties.  And then you realize that you had such an “in love” brain chemical with your (ex)wife in the early years and that soon waned.  And that it is pretty much the same thing with this woman of the past that you traded for your (ex)wife.

You realize that you are the same person with the same crap to deal with inside.  Your hope for the magic that life turns things around and makes life better with little effort on your part to happen, does utterly fail. 

You realize that you’ve been procrastinating all your life to put your own effort in doing the things you want.  You realize that you’re just fooling yourself all along, and it hurts to face yourself, that you lied to yourself, that you deprived yourself living in integrity.

You realize too that your own pursuit to ego / perfection / the one brought you through the path of destruction, hurting the people you once proclaimed in your adult life to care, love and protect.

You grasp the concept that your life has worth, and everything in your life that you love is worthy.  But you realize that you were hurting so bad inside, that you’ve become self destructive, that you allow this fantasy and the “temporary remedy from the pain” to disregard the “logic and reality.”

But by then, you’ve walked and taken the path of destruction.  Hindsight and all.  Do you really want that kind of life of regret?

My suggestion is to confront this fantasy–be open and honest with your wife.  Bare your humanity, flaws, doubts, needs, sadness.  Even when you think such truth or perception will hurt her, if you really think it is honest, then she is one of the persons that deserves such honesty.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by “JM_May”

I speak only from my situation and experience. I am not implying that these are the “right” things for a left-behind spouse to do, but I think they may help the MLC spouse to cope and work throught the crisis.

“Cope or work through the crisis”

I would like to preface my response with: I know that anger and hurt may override a lot of the compasionate things that I feel a spouse could do. Also, I believe that over the time of a marriage and the time pre-midlife crisis, when there may be some dissatisfaction with the relationship, that there are patterns of behavior which have developed and breakdowns in communication that cannot easily be reversed especially under the stress of a crisis situation and/or affair.

1. If you think your spouse is in a midlife crisis, don’t point it out to him/her. Until they see it themselves they will find this as trivializing their strong emotions. Wait for them to see it themselves. Things like “I know you must be going through a hard time right now”, or “I know you must be hurting as much as I am” are generally good things that won’t get a person defensive.

2. Don’t blame them. Even though they may have caused all the problems with their midlife crisis, it will do no good to heap on blame. In fact, for me blame always made me focus more on my wife’s role in the demise of our relationship (I guess to take the pressure and guilt off of me). When we are attacked we get defensive.

3. If there are specific things that you feel you could change about yourself and YOU WANT TO CHANGE THEM, then do it. If they are things you know contributed to the diminished feelings your spouse had for you, and you want to change them, it would help greatly if you want your spouse back.

4. Don’t worry about crying or showing feelings in front of your spouse. (At least this has never had what I would call a bad effect on me.)

5. Be honest. Don’t play games. If you love him/her let them know (if you want to). You know how you hate games played by the MLC’er, you should be in a more grounded position than them and can play by the rules you want, presumably just being honest.

6. Don’t pressure them to make a decision or set a deadline. In my opinion there is no timetable for this stuff. I believe more people (including myself once) come back before they are ready because of pressure from just about every direction. It may look good in front of the neighbors, but you will not be doing yourself any favors if you strong arm your spouse to come back on your timetable.

It is ok to have your own timetable, but I personally think that most people will know when they have had enough only when the time comes, and cannot predict that in 6 months their feelings or ability to wait for their partner will run out.

7. Don’t always ask your spouse what they are thinking or where they are with everything. I can tell you my head was up and down every day. I almost was afraid to talk with my wife because she wanted information that I couldn’t give her.

8. Encourage your children to have a good relationship with your spouse. Re-uniting (if that is your goal) should not be based on guilt. Keep this to a minimum so the MLC’er can try to think clearly without piling on feelings of guilt about the kids. This is usually not about the kids.

Instead of painting the picture that the MLC’er is off doing bad things and has rejected your family, let them know that often in this stage of life people get confused and make choices that can be very painful to everyone. If you look around you, there are probably examples everywhere of this. Teach your children, so if it happens to them, they will be prepared (forewarned is fore-armed).

9. Don’t bad mouth the other woman/man. It makes you look bad, it puts your spouse on the defensive and, if anything, will get them defending the person. Clearly, if they felt the way you do about the other person or saw the things you see, they would not be interested in them.

10. Try to see midlife crisis as a developmental thing that happens to people in their midlife. The spouse MLC’er did not invite this to happen to them, it has ruined their life too. If you take it as a personal attack, even if they make it seem like one, you will have more anger than if you see it for what it really is. You don’t have to like it, but you are not in their head and are not going through the psychic upheaval they are experiencing.

I know I may take some heat for these comments, and you may think that I am suggesting you placate the MLC’er, but trying to be compassionate, because you can and they may not be able to, and trying to understand will make a big difference.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by forum member Paddy in 2003. All rights reserved.

1. The Happy Marriage (23 years BGZ-before ground zero)

Love, youth, kids, friends, planning for the future. The usual ups and downs, but seemed to go by so fast that the bumps were not felt, the kids grew older too fast and life was good.

2. The Subconscious Struggle- Part A-No Clue (8-10 years BGZ)

I still percieved myself as being in an overall good situation. There were the usual stressors: work, teenagers, parents, bills, getting older, issues with my wife.

I kind of realized I was not quite satisfied with my life, but I could not put my finger on it. Looking back on this time I realize I was not the perfect companion, although at the time I was too focused on my own needs and struggles to see this.

I was a Dad, but still wanted to be a kid. I was a husband, but still wanted to be attractive to other women. I was pretty insecure in spite of my successes.

I was not totally satisfied, but was restless and completely unaware of the impending disaster.

2. The Subconscious Struggle, Part B-Very Slightly less clueless (0-8 years BGZ)

I was tending to focus more on issues with my spouse as the source for my restlessness. I never thought about leaving, but I began a lot of fantasizing about something different than what I had. I became more involved with exercise, music, coaching my kids (probably as a way to look for some distractions or fulfillment).

Still no thoughts of leaving, Loved my wife. Basically still clueless.

3. Fantasy Becomes Reality- Ground Zero (Tapers off over about one year)

All repressed frustration in my life seems to feel released when someone I have been fantasizing about shows emotional and physical interest in me.

The feeling is overwhelming. I imagine it feels like combining a bath in the fountain of youth, a rush of heroin reaching my brain, and the feeling of getting up on Christmas morning as a child, only better (I have only experienced Christmas morning).

I couldn’t stay away from it if my life depended on it. It was a pull so strong that came out of nowhere. It was like falling from the sky, I could only go down. When you are falling, how do you stop falling down and start to fall up?

4. Can’t Get Off the Train (or some trains do go both ways) (1-2 years post Ground Zero)-I still can’t get off

Confusion, ambivalence. I still loved my wife and my friend of 30 years. I still had the attraction/addiction to the other woman and the fantasy of another life.

Back and forth. Cortex vs Limbic system. Brain vs heart. New vs Old. Therapy, depression, suicidal thoughts, anti-depressants. The pain and hurt of my kids and wife.

I had no idea what I wanted or needed. I was still mostly blaming my wife for her role in this. If she had just changed, everything would have been different.

The pull from the other woman was like a drug (once I have started using I couldn’t stop). I could not be honest with my wife about contact with the other woman.

5. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for landing. (Is this grand Central or Terrapin Station?)(2 years from Ground Zero to present)

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things seem clearer. I see what I have given up and who I have hurt. I take more responsibility.

This has been about me more than my wife. I am no longer depressed.

I am slowly learning about myself and why this happened. I am continuing psychotherapy and have recently begun spiritual counseling.

My wife has been very patient and as understanding as a person can be. Although I try to separate myself from the other woman, I still sometimes break down and contact her and cannot always be honest about this with my wife. Although I feel like I am learning to be more honest.

The fantasy of the other woman is less a fantasy and less addicting.

I feel like I want to go back to my wife and family , but I need to know this for sure. I don’t want to hurt them again, and it was also very painful for me. I want to move slowly and be sure I am ready before I commit.

I want to act out of wisdom, and not fear or guilt.

6. Stepping onto fertile ground- Feets, don’t fail me now!

I’m not there yet.

If it is with my wife. It will not be the same as before, it will be better.

There will be much happiness and good, but also some sad things. I will be much wiser and will be a better companion and friend from all I have learned.

I hope to be mindful of my partner’s needs and less focused on myself. I hope to work hard to keep my new relationship exciting and romantic.

I will live in the moment and not for the future.

Thanks for listening.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum in 2003 by forum member Paddy. All rights reserved.

1-I have learned that even though my life has been totally blown apart, I can get stronger and better. It is a long and painful journey, but, it does slowly improve.

2-I have learned that even though I blamed myself horribly the first year, it has taken me another full year to understand that while I have made some mistakes he has made decisions which are incredibly hurtful to all who loved him. He has acted so far out of his previous value system that friends and family ask where the person is they thought they knew.

3-Making decisions which hurt the ones you profess to have loved in order to boost yourself somehow will eventually amount to serious emotional consequences for him. He may not allow himself to recognize it now because his emotional armour is very thick, but, he will realize it someday.

4-If our marriage had weaknesses, he had a responsibility to share those directly with me . He had no right to seek out other women to share his emotional distress. His infidelity will never be excusable.

5-To minimize an affair is the most hurtful of all. Sneaking out at night to be with another woman is catastrophic to the woman left behind. The more time that passes, the more the hurt and anger is realized. And to model that behavior for his two sons is a second error of grand proportions.

6-I have learned that I am a good person with many skills and that many family and friends rallied mightily to me when I had my darkest moments. Strangers stopped and comforted me when they sensed my distress. I have learned that I will never look past anyone who needs such support in the future, because they were there for me.

7-I have learned that one can survive great challenges in one’s life, but that it is an incredibly slow process. There is a great danger of giving yourself away to the pain and sorrow. I need to allow myself that time to heal and not get impatient to have happiness back at its old level. I need to not give anymore of myself away.

8-I have learned humility. Always having been the strong person whom people sought ought for advice and help, I learned I needed help desperately and how to accept it graciously.

9-I have learned that medication can help lift one out of the darkest moments and challenges. I have learned that tears can eventually dry up.

10-I have learned that spirtuality becomes more real in the midst of a crisis, but, that it will always be central to my life even after the crisis has passed.

11-I have learned that even though the mid-life crisis theory may or may not explain my husband’s actions, his apologies mean nothing unless his actions change at the same time.

12-I have learned that one can lose the respect of friends and family in a second. And, that, whatever is pulling you away from those friends and family must be very powerful.

13-I have learned that this board has functioned far better for me than any support group could ever have provided. I know the pain the new folks feel as they write. I know a few things that I can write which might help. I know that there are some powerful folks on this board who share their experiences out of their care of others who hurt. I am grateful for their wisdom.

14-I have learned to be even closer to my two sons and deeply grateful for their sensitivity to my deep hurt and pain.

This is a lot to learn and I write it to remind myself that I have come a long way and to remind new folks here that our fog lifts over time as well and we do become stronger. Thanks for letting me share.

Posted on the Midlife Crisis Forum in 2002 by forum member Hunsand. All rights reserved.

If you believe in your heart that your relationship was meant to be and love is there on both sides, even if it’s buried in confusion, hang on to that.

Don’t try to control their actions or their direction, lovingly detach the way you would with a child trying to figure out a puzzle piece.

As a friend told me, plan plans, not outcomes. Nothing you do or say will affect them in their decision. Just love at your distance and believe they will feel it.

On a practical matter, I was told this by a few posters here and I wish I had followed this advice. It is my only regret in all of this. Don’t tell too many people in your life the details of what you are going through. Save that for a trusted friend, your therapist and here on this board.

If you are hoping to reconcile don’t share too much with too many. Because if they come back, though you may be able to forgive them because your love is unconditional and true, others may not have the same ability to understand and forgive as easily.

This is really important. I have a little bit of a mess to clean up because I see there are people in my life that will have a hard time with our reconciliation due to the fact I share all of the pain he inflected on me and my family and on some of them.

Other than that, I am proud of myself and see in myself more than ever my abliity to love someone unconditionally and fully despite the fact, and including the fact, that the people we love are fallable, can make mistakes, can hurt us, and are just plain human. And we all want to be loved that way. We all want to be loved for every part of our being including the imperfect parts.

So this is what I say to everyone here, you may not know where the outcome will be in your life. I don’t know that my marraige will survive this but I know we will try. But if you go into this journey with an open and true heart, hold on to yourself and do what feels best and right for you, the outcome that life will have brought you will include many new lessons about who you are, what you need, and indeed, will be the one that is right for you. The universe won’t have it any other way.

My journey is not over since my life is my journey and wisdom comes in many forms. I still have so much to learn.

To all that have been here through this with me I say thanks and that doesn’t feel like it is close to enough. To all who are new here hang on! Life is not easy but we have been warned of that.

This is just life teaching us lessons, sometimes painful ones. But they are still gems to carry away with us as we continue on our path.

Posted on The Midlife Club Forum in 2001 by forum member uineen. All rights reserved.

It is hard in the beginning to figure out what is really going on, since the midlife crisis person often blames others for what they are feeling. A good first step is to try to figure out as best you can what is going on with your spouse. It may be midlife crisis related, then again, it may not.

If it IS a midlife crisis, it is a life transition which, though it can take awhile, is sometimes temporary. If you try to ride this out and continue on in the marriage (which may or may not be possible, depending on what is going on with your spouse) that is a choice that is up to you, you will need:

• PATIENCE
• FAITH
• DETACHMENT
• a little humor
• a re-focusing on yourself, what you want out life, what makes you happy
• support
• prayer, if you are so inclined

It truly helps to read everything you can on midlife crisis. I can’t stress this enough. The Midlife books by the Conway’s are comforting, “His Midlife Crisis” by Jim Conway and “Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis” by Sally Conway. Read this book, then read it again… (these can be ordered from the Conway’s website). “Love must be Tough” by Dobson and “Divorce Busters” were a few books that were helpful too.

This site lists a number of good midlife books as well. Whether this is a midlife crisis or not, learning more about yourself and your relationship and how to improve it, helps.

There are things that you can do that can perhaps affect the outcome of your spouse’s (and your own) mlc for the good. Take a good look at your marriage, what your spouse’s unmet needs are, and change the dynamic of the relationship if appropriate. Other than that, it can sometimes help to step back and give them space.

This is a trying time. and it can be a time of grief. For those who are in midlife crisis you may be grieving the loss of your youth.

For spouses who are being left, you may also be grieving the loss of the marriage or the loss of the spouse.

Suffering a loss of any kind, you may be feeling many strong emotions: shock, numbness, guilt, bargaining, denial, depression, anger. This is normal during a time like this, although it can be very disconcerting. It is healthy to move through these grief stages through to acceptance, and you may have many feelings all at the same time too. If you get stuck in any one stage for too long, it can be a good idea to seek help. Ultimately, you will heal and come out of this a stronger person.

It helps to talk to someone you can trust. Counseling is very helpful during this time too, for many. A good counselor may be able to give you some tools and tactics to help you have some power and control over your life during this upheaval, and may help you to deal more effectively with your spouse. While midlife crisis has many typical characteristics, each situation is unique.

Midlife crisis is not a free ticket to bad behaviour. Just because a person is going through a midlife crisis, it doesn’t mean that there are not consequences to their behaviour. There are.

For those dealing with a spouse in midlife crisis, it is most important to clarify your limits and boundaries during this time, as we may get pulled off our sense of centeredness by all that our mlc spouse is going through.

Most importantly, one can never lose by keeping one’s self respect and dignity through this.

Some good news. Somewhere (??) there are the statistics that 80% of marriages survive midlife crisis. If it is midlife crisis, it is likely a stage through which they will pass, sort of like adolescense. If it is not midlife crisis, that too will become clear in time.

I’m sure most of us would like to see our marriages survive this time and we want to save it. There are alot of good resources that are listed in this site, and elsewhere, to try to do that.

But the most important thing is to take care of yourself. Letting go can be very healthy, and, paradoxically, it can also sometimes be the one thing to save the marriage.

For those whose spouses are leaving them… it may take a little time and some realization to realize that you cannot change another person. You cannot stop them if they are determined to leave, and we have no choice but to let go.

Perhaps a new beginning is where this journey was meant to take you. It grieves me to see people hanging on to a dead marriage, letting other opportunities pass them by. Please do not do this to yourself.

I wanted to add that while you will be going through a storm of emotions during this time, it is very important to get a grip, and THINK.

For those whose spouse is going through midlife crisis, THINK about what is going on and what you are going to do. What is your strategy going to be, to deal with the midlife crisis? How are you going to act? Learn all you can about it. Counseling can help here.

Get legal counsel if necessary to protect yourself if you are in a pending separation or divorce situation. Your spouse does not need to know you are doing this, but become informed on the law so that you understand your options and can make informed decisions, if it comes to that. You can’t help but feel all the emotions, but then pull yourself together and focus. THINK.

For those who are in midlife crisis, you may be overwhelmed by emotions at this time in your life. Learn about midlife crisis. It is a normal life transition which you will recover from. There is a lot to learn here about yourself. Again, THINK. By this time in your life, you have a lot to lose by acting out of desperation.

Your emotions are not “calls to action”, they are just feelings. Explore those feelings to decipher what you are really afraid of; reading, counseling, talking to a wise friend, just knowing that others have gone through this too, and come out of it successfully, can help you to feel better. You always remain in control of your actions.

Finally, take care of yourself, and believe that, irregardless of the outcome, that everything will be all right.

This was posted on the Midlife Club forum in 2000 by forum member Camille. All rights reserved.

Maybe we still see them, so here is alot of intermittent reinforcement going on, keeping us hanging in. There may still be good times that we have with them. It is so hard to let go. After all, it was their decision to change their behaviour, to change their life, to take actions that did not take us into account.

And just because someone we love has changed, that doesn’t mean our feelings for them can be automatically shut off, just like that. They have had a lot of time to let their love fade, where for us, we are just beginning the letting go process.

At some point, down the line, as the healing process moves along, when you begin to build strength again, you will begin to get weary of loving that person. At some point, you begin to feel that your efforts are not reciprocated.

We begin to get angry. For a long time I thought no one could match up to my first husband. But then I thought about how ridiculous that was. What?? No one can match up to a cheating, lying, superficial, immature jerk, who abandoned me and was not there for me when I needed him? What was I thinking? Sure there were good memories, but what he had done to me was unforgivable!!!

It was other people who had to knock me upside the head and make me see the light, because I was still… loving him. When I started to feel a bit of anger, I started to feel a heck of a lot better. The sad truth was, just about ANY guy could have not only matched him, but surpassed him. I realized a stranger on the street was giving me more love and support than he was.

And this was the man I was holding on to? Who I had put way up on a pedestal?

We all reach that threshold of healing and time, where enough is enough.

I do believe the Lord never closes a door without opening a window. Sometimes we put a lot of energy into pounding on that door, trying to break it down, trying to get it to open. Sometimes we have to, instead, turn our attention to something else, and focus instead on that window, which will open for us easily.

Maybe our love, or any effort we put out into life, are better spent where there is a return on that effort. Maybe the love we give isn’t benefitting us anymore, or the person we are giving it to doesn’t need it.

As harsh as it may seem, you can’t make someone love you, or stay with you. Giving does not make a person love you. Maybe, NOT giving, does, because then THEY have to give, and they will value far more what they give, than what they take.

Sometimes we feel like if we quit putting so much of our emotional energy into this, we will lose them. That we need to hold all this together ourselves,because they are not. That if we give up, or quit thinking about them, or orrying, or quit trying, that we will lose them. But the fact is, that relationships take TWO, and you can only do your 50%.

Letting go can be quite a relief. And a funny thing seems to be true, when you do finally give up, they will somehow sense that they are really losing YOU, and begin to wake up. Because as long as they feel like you want them, that you love them, are waiting for them, or thinking about them, they haven’t really had to face the LOSS of YOU, you see. They’ve got you as their ace in the hole, they are not really facing the consequences of their actions, UNTIL you detach emotionally.

So this is time to put your love into yourself. You are far more in need of love right now than you husband is. As we have talked about before, part of that is protecting yourself and your children legally. And protecting yourself and children emotionally.

As you know, if it is midlife crisis, it can be temporary, and I know this thought keeps many of us holding on. But no matter what, in the meantime, you must do what is best for you. I believe that you can do this without alienating him, and keep the door open for reconcilliation, if that is your fear.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum in 2001 by forum member Camille. All rights reserved.

So don’t even think about if or when!

Stick with right now, and what you need right now.

As far as the whole “changing to suit them” thing, that’s known around here as “KoolAid”. And the “changing” we do, out of love or desperation, we call “pretzeling”.

The catch is, if you DO change to whatever-it-is they THINK they want, the midlife crisis still remains, so suddenly it wasn’t right/enough/sincere or whatever other reason they choose to give it to try to explain why YOUR changing didn’t change THEM! They may then request a series of changes contradicting what they thought they wanted first – and then they change significant others.

But OF COURSE people can and do change, intentionally or subconsciously, all through their lives. Sometimes in a million little gradual ways, sometimes in big noticeable ways. Sometimes in very fundamental ways, too. But not all changes last, especially if you drift into them unintentionally and figure out that the changes don’t fit or help.

A couple who is interacting in a healthy manner, communicating clearly and sharing their thoughts fully, change over time but in ways that are adapted to each other. For one thing, they’re changing in response to similar circumstances, and from a similar background (the one that led them to bond in the first place). Have you ever seen those studies where long-term spouses begin to resemble each other?

But if the members of a couple aren’t encouraging adapting to things TOGETHER, then, yes, they might change in ways that cause them to become incompatible. Think of how different spouses might react to the loss of a child or some other major tragedy. Sometimes that brings a couple closer, but often they withdraw and drift apart.

Using “change” as a reason for marital problems is therefore a lousy basis to make decisions. If you changed and drifted apart, you could keep changing and work back together again. But if you never changed from day one, then… what’s so different NOW from your wedding day?

Can’t have it both ways!

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by forum member pegasus. All rights reserved.

The guy I hired turned out to be too slow and unresponsive after the sales pitch, and I fired him and hired the seventh guy on my list. He was great! I told him all the details of my situation, he told me what was possible and reasonable, then set about making it happen.

A big retainer is often a sign that they expect to run up huge bills. Get them to detail exactly how much time they expect to be doing what in your situation. You’re their employer, you have a right to know this!

And ask about basic “divorce packages”. A couple lawyers I talked to had a basic package, that most divorces would fit into, for a fixed price. If things went south, you could “order a la carte” for additional services if and when you needed them.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by forum member pegasus. All rights reserved.

Often people ask “what does that really mean,” so I wanted to open up some discussion on what people understand it to mean for THEM, and what has worked.

I believe its an incredibly important topic where we can ALL share insight and tools to make it through the days.

For me, taking care of myself means doing things that are for MY well being, with concentration on NO ONE and NOTHING else but me. Sound selfish? GREAT! It should, because without a little selfishness, we often are giving out of an empty pot, running on empty, drowning in details and damaging ourselves emotionally as well as physically.

Believe me, Im not an expert and this concept is new to me as well, but when I’m doing a good job at it, it’s amazing how much brighter the world appears to be.

Here are some ideas that work for me…

• Journaling my feelings, ideas, thoughts, dreams, plans
• Taking vitamines, especially the B-complex
• Eating a better diet with more fruits, less refines sugars and cutting down on caffeine.
• Ok, I reall suck at this one but it feels good to try
• Getting an exercise routine started, telling yourself that this is for YOUR health and stress reduction. (Yup… suck at this too but I can definately see the benefits).
• GET OUT of your house and around people. Call a friend, go shopping, to a movie, a coffee shop and start up a conversation with a stranger. Open the door for an elder.
• Buy yourself some new music and let it speak to you.
• Sit STILL for just 15 minutes and try to clear your head. If you can’t, journal what wont stop bugging you.
• Throw on a upbeat CD and grab your hairbrush/mic just like when you were younger.
• Find an outlet for your stress through creativity, art or even exercize.
• Learn to say NO to the things you really dont want to do, and YES to things that might feel a bit self indulgent, realizing that other people will not fall apart if you aren’t there for their every demand at every minute they request.

Most imporantly, put these things as a TOP priority before you try and give to anyone else because giving from a dry well only builds resentments and the feelings of being taken advantage of. The good news is that NO ONE can take advantage of you if YOU become your own best friend and advocate.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by forum member RotorWashed. All rights reserved.