I decide to see how this works in Indonesia, which has more Muslims than any other country. Less than twenty-four hours after arriving I’m in the Javanese city of Solo, sitting in front of Indonesia’s self-declared polygamy king, Puspo Wardoyo. I’m prepared to hate him. Puspo, as everyone calls him, hosts a Polygamist of the Year competition and writes books on how others can replicate his success managing four wives (his range in age from twenty-five to forty). On the talk-show circuit, he tells enraged feminists that he’s really out to help women by keeping their husbands away from prostitutes and broadening the pool of marriageable men.

Polygamy is legal here, but it has fallen out of favor. People under forty tell me that their grandfathers and even some of their fathers had multiple wives, but they don’t know many people their own age who do. This change was the handiwork of General Suharto, who ruled Indonesia from 1967 to 1998. Suharto’s government banned polygamy for civil servants and members of the military. Most middle-class families now treat a son’s decision to take a second wife as a shameful secret, and educated women are embarrassed to settle for being second — though under the right circumstances some still do.

Although a minority of Indonesians practice polygamy, the fact that it’s legal makes cheating easier to justify. Some 95 percent of Indonesians say religion is “very important” to them, making it the most religious country in Asia and one of the most religious in the world. Offices in modern high-rises have special prayer areas for employees, sometimes conveniently located right next to the lunchroom. A youth radio station I visit is decorated with posters of Western pop stars, but it rewards its top employee each year with an all-expenses-paid pilgrimage to Mecca .

Being very religious is a way to get status. In polls, more than half the population typically say Indonesia should replace its secular legal system with Islamic sharia law, though enthusiasm for sharia wanes when respondents are asked if they approve of specifics like cutting off thieves’ hands and stoning convicted adulterers. Adultery is illegal, but it’s handled by secular courts. The punishment is relatively mild: up to seven years in prison.

Puspo’s unlikely pulpit to revive polygamy is a chain of fast-food chicken restaurants. He owns about forty of them all over Indonesia. It’s not immediately clear whether the polygamy campaign is a way to sell more chicken, or vice versa. It might not be the best marketing strategy. My friend who’s come along to interpret tells me that her female friends in Jakarta refuse to eat in Puspo’s restaurants.

Lesson number one: Polygamy is delicious. At Puspo’s restaurant in Solo, where we meet for the interview, he orders us sizzling fried chicken and tofu with spicy peanut sauce, plus a special juice called “poligami” because it has four ingredients (Muslim men can have up to four wives).

Lesson number two: Polygamists are charming. I’m not sure why this surprises me, because by definition they attract lots of women. But I had expected Puspo, forty-seven, to seem menacing. In fact he has an appealing tanned face and the habit of grinning and looking straight into my eyes. In a country where you usually need to be rich already in order to get richer, he has a sympathetic rags-to-riches tale. He parlayed his parents’ tiny chicken stand into the Wong Solo chain (Puspo himself is also known as “Wong Solo”). He says the business operates on Islamic principles, and that he donates some profits to charity.

Puspo’s rationale for polygamy is all about adultery. He says that if wealthy married men like him don’t take additional wives, they’ll go to prostitutes or have affairs instead, which he says is sinful and “disgusting.” “I recommend people have a clear conscience by taking that woman as a wife, instead of cheating,” he tells me. Puspo insists, implausibly, that his four wives never argue. He does concede that the Islamic requirement that current wives approve of any additional ones is a sticking point.

Puspo also doesn’t mention that Islam’s original rationale for polygamy was to help women whose husbands had died in war. The prophet Mohammed married as many as thirteen women, most of whom were widows. (An exception was A’isha, who was about ten years old when they consummated their marriage.)

Puspo seems more intent on avoiding cellulite than aiding widows. He staged a pageant to select his fourth wife and decreed that contestants must be under twenty-five and weigh less than 121 pounds (skinny women have smaller vaginas and are easier to maneuver into certain sexual positions, he explains). No doubt Puspo is correct in saying that powerful men have a particular appeal in a country as poor as Indonesia: Three hundred fifty women showed up to compete in the first round.

The abundance of young, poor, beautiful women in Indonesia seems to be more significant than the Islamic prohibition on extramarital sex, known in Arabic as zina. “Most rich and successful people are cheating,” Puspo says. “Most of my friends are cheaters. They cheat with prostitutes just for play.” Their wives are powerless to stop them, he says. “When women are angry, men cheat more.” If a wife divorces her husband because he’s unfaithful, the next one will just cheat, too, he says.

But will four wives be enough, especially when the women are no longer young nymphs? For Puspo, having four wives has whetted his appetite for more. He tells me four isn’t really the limit, since the prophet Mohammed himself had more. Speaking of which, he asks, do I happen to know an American woman who meets his requirements? (I’m disappointed to realize he has ruled me out on both age and weight grounds.)

When I tell him I’ll give it some thought, he moves into a kind of psychic-seduction mode with my skinny interpreter. “I know your type,” he says, gazing at her. “You’re into loving someone even if he has two or three wives. It will take a lot of effort to persuade you that someone loves you. ” She is blushing so hard it takes her a minute to regain her composure and tell me what he’s said. I jealously elbow back into the conversation by asking him what kind of man he thinks I would like. Puspo looks me up and down. “You like a strong, masculine man,” he says. “You would like a guy like me.”

Excerpted from Lust in Translation: Infidelity from Tokyo to Tennessee by Pamela Druckerman. Reprinted by arrangement with Penguin Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc. Copyright (c) March, 2008.

Other required acts of chivalry:

Light her cigarette. I’m not a smoker. I don’t have any philosophical problems with cigarettes — any industry that creates jobs, keeps our doctors busy, and gives something to the kiddos is okay by me — but I’ve never enjoyed the taste. Many years ago, back in my embarrassing early days of flirting, I leaned in to light a girl’s cigarette. I had two problems. First, I couldn’t operate the lighter. Literally — I didn’t know how to make it work. (It was my first time.) Second, and even more humiliating, I lit the wrong end of her cigarette. It’s very, very difficult to come off as a suave lothario when she’s laughing at your incompetence.

Hail her a cab. No, you don’t have to do one of those freakily high-pitched cab whistles, but you must follow one principle: be bold. You should actively put your body in the street (leaving the sidewalk) and aggressively stare down a cab. Decisiveness matters. Of course, helplessly watching fifty-eight occupied cabs zip past isn’t quite Cary Grant, either, so keep a car service number in your cell as backup.

Help her with her coat. If it’s one of those fitted little “girl sweaters” that’s smaller than your boxers, forget it. But if it’s an actual coat-coat, the kind of thing she wears when cold? Help her in; help her out.

Carry her heavy objects. If she’s lugging anything more burdensome than a dictionary, ask if you can carry it. You’re not implying she’s a weakling; you’re just being a gentleman.

Advanced move: Pull out her chair. This one can be tricky. It’s not, always welcome, it’s not always feasible, and it just might lead to you ramming her breasts into the table. Which is less sexy than it sounds.

MAXIM IN ACTION

It’s a cliché: everyone moans that “chivalry is dead.” Fine. The question, though, is when? Take this quote:

“The age of chivalry has gone; the age of humanity has come.”

Post-feminist rants in 2008? Nope, Charles Sumner in the nineteenth century. Or:

“But the age of chivalry is gone. That of sophists, economists, and calculators, has succeeded; and the glory Europe is extinguished forever.”

Courtesy of Edmund Burke, 1790. Or this one:

“The age of chivalry is past. Bores have succeeded to dragons.”

From Charles Dickens. The point? Ninety years from now, people will sigh and say, “Oh, chivalry is dead! It’s not like it was back in the good old 2010s.” Chivalry isn’t an era that lives or dies. It starts with you and ends with you. Make of it what you will.

MAXIM EXCEPTIONS

This old debate bores me, and I suspect it bores you, too, so we’ll keep this brief. Is there a sinister, underlying presumption in chivalry that women need help from men — implying they’re weaker, incapable of helping themselves — which therefore makes it sexist? It’s a fair question. You shouldn’t be condescending or overbearing. Assuming you’re neither, the next time she brings this up, just ask her to get the door and carry your suitcase.

Excerpt from Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By Copyright © 2009 Jeff Wilser, author.

The above is an excerpt from the book Maxims of Manhood: 100 Rules Every Real Man Must Live By by Jeff Wilser. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female — puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They’re going to tell you they’re richer, stronger, taller, and more important than the next guy to win your affections.

That said, our equal opportunity world has skewed the course somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up aren’t as common. Women can now go on the offensive. They can go on the prowl to pick up a guy if they desire. And with these turned tables, it’s become more important for women to impress men.

This new need for women to become proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don’t try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don’t let the game turn you into an ugly player.

Here are some key factors to remember:

Don’t misrepresent yourself to catch him. Don’t say things that aren’t true. If you tell him that you’re up for threesomes with another girl and you don’t mean it, he’s going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is.

Don’t pretend to be someone else. I don’t understand this one and I’ve seen it a lot. A girl will pretend to be a harddrinking, party girl. She’ll play fast and loose and will portray herself just like Samantha from Sex and the City. A guy is going to latch on to this kind of personality and expect it all the time, trust me. While there’s nothing wrong if that’s really your personality — if it’s not, you’re just lying to him. No one likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.

Don’t lead him on. As soon as he gets a whiff that you’re into him, the gears in his head are going to start turning and his imagination is going to kick in. It might seem like you’re being kind by playing into his advances, but in fact you’re being cruel. If you’re not interested, it’s better to shoot him down than play up to him.

Don’t say anything that is wildly untrue. Telling him that the character of Sydney Bristow from Alias is based on you and your counterespionage exploits is not only ridiculous, it’s embarrassing. Even a minor exaggeration will get you into trouble. Saying you never diet because you’re naturally thin will cause an issue when he finds your diet pills in the medicine cabinet. He won’t really care that you diet to look good; he will care that you lied to him. Remember, a first encounter is the time he’ll be listening most. He will remember later that you told him you were a beach volleyball champion with a vast collection of micro bikinis. Again, trust me.

So remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it’s not. If you’re a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you’re a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you’re not only attracting guys you won’t like, but you’re turning off the guys who would like you for being you.

Keep It Real

Feel free to fantasize about celebrity crushes, or other guys that are probably out of your league. By all means, let your heart roam free, but keep your feet on the ground. You have to stay realistic when it comes to men, as I hate to break it to you, but guys have tastes and you may have to accept you don’t match them.

Let’s say you’re into the sales exec on the fifth floor. He’s smart, funny, darts around town in a nice ride, and is hot as hell — and you think you’d make a great addition to his life. There’s just one small problem: He has a thing for twentysomething bubble-headed blondes who spend their time tanning, lip-synching to Britney Spears, and undergoing cosmetic surgery. And you’re brunette.

Obviously, he’s wasting his time with these other girls and he’d be a lot better off with someone like you. But before you go and pick up a bottle of peroxide, some spray-on tanner, and Britney’s Greatest Hits, you need to realize something: You’re so caught up in getting his attention, you seem desperate — or even possibly psychotic. If you have to try to be his type, you’re going to lose out. There’s a fine line between going the extra mile and going too far, and when a guy sees you go too far, you’ve lost him and there’s no going back. Desperate doesn’t impress men.

Find the Guy Who Works for You

You just have to accept that there are guys who will turn you down, the same way you turn down guys. It’s nothing personal. (Well, it sort of is, but don’t let it faze you.) What you need to remember is that what you’re looking for in a potential partner is someone who will complement you, the real you.

The Myth of the “Perfect” Man 

Does this sound familiar?

• He must have a sound financial basis with a credit rating of 800 or higher.
• His job must come with a salary at least 20 percent above the national average and should include medical insurance, stock options, and a 401(k). 
• He should attain a position on the board or a full partnership in the next five years. 
• He should be fluent in at least two languages. If not, he should possess heraldry connecting him to a minor European principality. 
• He needs to have a primary domicile in the city with a condo in the mountains. 
• His vehicles need to be replaced every two years.

Is that really the type of guy you’re looking for? Or that meets the mythical needs of what a man should be?

Don’t get sucked into the trap of chasing the guy that will make your family happy, or will make your friends happy, or the one that Cosmo says is the guy every woman should be looking for this year. If this is what you want, you should stop looking for a soul mate and start a more formal interview process.

Paging Mr. Functional

Now, the world is a tricky place and we’d all like a bit of stability in our lives, if not a touch of luxury, but that has nothing to do with finding the man of your dreams. If you pick a guy for functional reasons over emotional ones, then life is going to be pretty dull. Mr. Functional need not Worry. Ms. Practical is waiting for him in sensible clothes somewhere outside an insurance agency in Iowa.

There really is someone for everyone, but Mr. Functional probably isn’t for you — and neither is Mr. Uninteresting-but-Stable, Mr. Still-Lives-with-His-Mother, or Mr. Not-Nice-but-Loaded. You have to find someone who is going to make you happy, without Worrying too much about what your mother and friends will say. They aren’t the ones who are dating him, you are. You have to follow your heart and not a list of requirements.

The above is an excerpt from the book Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him by Simon Oaks. The above excerpt is a digitally scanned reproduction of text from print. Although this excerpt has been proofread, occasional errors may appear due to the scanning process. Please refer to the finished book for accuracy.

Copyright ©2009 Simon Oaks, author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him

Author Bio: Simon Oaks, author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him, is a California transplant from England, who swore he’d remain single for life. But now this former racecar driver turned writer is a bachelor turned husband, and is letting the women out there know the secrets behind making a man commit. He’s been happily married now for ten years to his American wife, Julie. The two live together in Richmond, CA.

www.simonoaks.com

But first impressions count with guys.  You shouldn’t come with fine print that he’s going to miss and regret later.  This is a key area where women shoot themselves in the foot, and it’s so unnecessary.  The balance of power in the world of dating belongs to women. You hold the power of veto.  You are always the one who can say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” However, he might walk away if he finds out your first meeting happened behind a facade.  So don’t give him a reason not to trust you.

Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?)  Despite human progress and enlightened times, we’re still slaves to our genes.  Males are hardwired to impress women.  Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female — puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different.  They’re going to tell you they’re richer, stronger, taller and more important than the next guy to win your affections.

The problem is that our equal opportunity world has skewed the curve somewhat.  The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up are over.  Women can now go on the offensive and pick up guys if they desire.  With these turned tables, it has become more important for women to impress men.

This new need for women to be proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man.  Don’t try to be like us, ladies.  Stay true to who you are and don’t let the game turn you into an ugly player.

Don’t false advertise.  Make yourself interesting, but please don’t invent stuff.  Wild exaggerations backfire for two reasons. First, he feels pretty dumb for believing you.  Second, you’re not the person he’s looking for.  He wanted the person you pretended to be, not the real you.

So don’t tell him that you’re up for threesomes with another girl if you don’t mean it, or he’s going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is.  Don’t portray yourself as a hard-drinking, party girl who likes to play fast and loose like Samantha from Sex in the City if that’s not you.  No man likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.

The problem kicks in when the exaggerations go beyond shaving a few pounds off your usual weight and using a pushup bra.  A minor exaggeration shouldn’t develop into a full-blown lie and you want to avoid the Cinderella syndrome.  Sure, she ended up with Prince Charming at the end, but do you really think the Prince bought the whole glass slipper-thing hook, line, and sinker? Think again.

The Prince’s Version

After the clock chimes twelve and he’s left holding nothing but a glass slipper, he checks in with his boys to report on the night.

“Dude, did you see the hottie I was with?”

“Yeah, man.  Who is she?”

“Calls herself Cinderella.  She’s got a real nice ride.  Doesn’t go anywhere without her entourage in tow.  And she sports these tiny glass slippers.  Where the hell do you buy glass slippers?”

“Don’t know, bro.  Did you get her number?”

“Nah.”

“Reeejected!”

“No way, man.  She was in a rush.  I did get one of her glass slippers though.  She’ll be back for that bad boy.”

After waiting around for the three-day no-call period, the Prince figures his glass-footed beauty must’ve forgot where she left her shoe, so he launches a full-scale search to show off his power.

It takes him a while, but he tracks down Cinderella. Only a whole lot’s changed from the night of the ball.  Her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, her entourage is a pack of rodents, and her knockout designer number is just a bunch of rags.

He knows these are just superficial things, but he can’t shake the fact that she lied.  If she lied about all that, what else is she hiding?
 
Despite what the fairytale says, Prince Charming isn’t going to be as easily forgiving.  The issue here is that no guy likes to be deceived.  He feels stupid.  And regardless of what he previously thought about you, you just turned real unattractive real fast.

Now it sounds like I’m making guys out to be angels.  They aren’t. Just like you, when they first encounter someone who catches their eye, they’re likely to exaggerate just as much, if not more.  The key difference between you and him exaggerating is that you expect it.  You have a heightened sense for bullshit.  Your bullshit detector is NASA quality in comparison to his.

Just remember, be yourself.  I know this sounds dumb, but it’s not.  If you’re a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl.  If you’re a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass.  Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women.  There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you’re not only attracting guys you won’t like, but you’re turning off the guys who would like you for being you.

Excerpt adapted from Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him Copyright ©2009 Simon Oaks.

Author Bio: Simon Oaks, author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him, is a California transplant from England, who swore he’d remain single for life. But now this former racecar driver turned writer is a bachelor turned husband, and is letting the women out there know the secrets behind making a man commit. He’s been happily married now for ten years to his American wife, Julie. The two live together in Richmond, CA.

www.simonoaks.com

1. He actively takes an interest in you and what you have to say. He’s not just nodding and smiling and checking his watch every five minutes like you’re trying to sell him life insurance. There’s eye contact. He’s actively listening. He’s asking questions, relating things you say to his own experiences. If he’s really good, he’ll remember something you said and incorporate it in a future date. Try not to act too surprised.
2. He’s forthcoming. He wants you to know about him. This manifests itself in a bunch of ways. He’ll share personal details about himself. He’ll even be eager to cough up basic factoids such phone numbers, his address and place of work. If he isn’t giving up this kind of info, then he doesn’t want you tracking him down — or he’s Batman or Superman. So if he doesn’t live at Wayne Manor or the Fortress of Solitude, give it up.
3. He’ll mark his territory. He won’t pee on you or anything per se, but he will exhibit some animal behavior. If he’s decided he wants you as his female, he won’t want to lose you. If there’s any chance that you might be snapped up by another male, he’ll stake his claim. He’ll be tactile with you, slipping an arm around you, possibly posturing and standing up when another guy walks onto the scene. Watch out for some regression to a more primitive man. If you hear grunting, don’t panic. It’s his way of saying he likes you.
4. He calls you back. Despite the stereotype, he will call you back. If you’re a girl in demand, he won’t want you to be the one that got away, so he’ll call you to set up the next date or ask how you’re doing. If you’re getting calls for no reason, that’s a good thing. However, you may want to invest in a good phone plan.
5. He’ll check you out. You’ll bring out his spy skills in a good way. He’ll talk to your friends to get the 411 on you. He wants to know more about you — your past, your present, your likes and dislikes, water hazards, etc. He’s doing his homework because he wants to impress you. He’s gathering this intelligence so he knows how best to woo you.
6. He’s flirtatious. Guys get playful around women they like. It’s a little dance he’s doing around you to show his interest and his daring. However, he’s not just being flirty, he’s also probing. He’s putting on a little show for you to see if you’ll reciprocate. The more you play, the more he stays. Now shake that tail feather.
7. He’s always planning ahead. If he digs you, he won’t want you getting away from him. To make sure you aren’t prey to some other guy, he’ll be making plans for the next date before the current one is over. A full calendar is a good sign.
8. He’s attentive. He’s been listening to you, and knows what you like and where you like to go. He treats you to your favorite things and places. He’ll spring surprises.
9. He’ll blow off his buddies to be with you. It’s always tricky managing existing commitments with burgeoning relationships. There are bound to be conflicts of interest at the some point. So take it as a good sign when he’ll ditch going out with the boys to see you instead.
10. Acts of selflessness. He’ll take one for the team of you and him. These can be large or small acts. They can be as small as holding your hair back for when you’ve got stomach flu, or as large as suffering through a Celine Dion concert and pretend he’s enjoying it because you’re a fan. Now “that’s the power of love.”

Okay, he’s doing his part, but what about you? You’ve got him wrapped around your little finger, but don’t get cocky. You can lose him in the blink of an eye with a few classic screw-ups.

1. False Advertising. I understand that we all want to impress a potential new partner. It’s in our DNA. Only the fittest survive and only the most interesting get dates. So make yourself interesting, but please don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. Don’t say you were a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader if you weren’t. Don’t tell him you’re a party girl when you’re a bookworm. This is a double whammy. First, he’ll be POed because he believed your character enhancements. Second, you’re not the person he’s looking for. If he wants the party girl and you’re a bookworm, how long do you think that’s going to last? Keep it real, ladies.
2. You get jealous for no reason. Okay, your previous guy cheated on you. That’s a shame, but not all guys are wired the same. So, if your current guy hasn’t done anything wrong, then give him the benefit of the doubt. Not even the Dalai Lama is going to put up with being accused of cheating or having you check up on him every five minutes.
3. The Princess Complex. You’ve got a nice little thing going on with him, but suddenly it’s all about you and not about the two of you. Who died and made you queen?
4. Letting yourself go. You were a dynamite package with you two starting dating, but the backless cocktail dresses and Jimmy Choos have been replaced by moo-moos and flip-flops. Just because you’ve hooked your dream guy doesn’t mean you can take your foot off the gas. If you don’t care about your appearance, don’t expect him to.
5. Taking it too fast. It’s easy to get carried away with that guy in your life. You want to be with him every minute of the day, you think you should move in together and a summer wedding would be wonderful. That’s all super — as long as he’s just as keen. If he sees you streaking ahead of him, he’ll be making a U-turn, so watch your speed, Danica.

Copyright ©2009 Simon Oaks author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him

Author Bio: Simon Oaks, author of Will Marry for Food, Sex, and Laundry: How to Get Him — and How to Keep Him, is a California transplant from England, who swore he’d remain single for life. But now this former racecar driver turned writer is a bachelor turned husband, and is letting the women out there know the secrets behind making a man commit. He’s been happily married now for ten years to his American wife, Julie. The two live together in Richmond, CA.

www.simonoaks.com