You project her, this Anima to this woman of your past.  And of course what you perceive is such perfection that compared to your wife, your wife is last place.  But your projection is fantasy, not real.  Your projection to this fantasy life remake, life rewind, life do-over, a life of what-if is totally in a league of its own compared to the real life, compared to your real live that you lived, compared to the life you had with your wife.

Life is hard, it sucks, and in that hardship, we gain wisdom, and humility, learn to appreciate that good and joyful moments despite the tragedies that come along with it.  If life is all perfect, then it only has one taste.  And you will not know the bitter taste of the bad times and the sweetness of the good time.

This Anima, this perfection is your own illusions.  This is you avoiding to confront your own human failings, your own flaws.  To you, you see your flaws are something that make you unworthy of love as a person.  Despite all the achievements you pile on top of that flaw, deep inside you–you despise yourself because of such flaws.

When you are wisened to begin liking and loving yourself, just as you are, then the flaws are part of you and still make you worthy of love.  It is then ok to have the Anima, that perfection to strive for, but attaining Anima does not define you. 

What defines you is how you live your life daily as yourself, flaws and all, how you celebrate this life in every step of the way.

You lived your life, and moved on the past 42 years without this woman of your past.  You achieved things in life, and pursued this for yourself, for the good of what you believed.  Your Anima existed, without this woman of the past 42 years. You did without her all along.  You got here with your wife along the way. 

How then can you honestly say that today, this woman of the past was the reason how your life turned out?  Your life now is whatever it is because of the very decisions you made in your life.  Those were your choices, and thus you created your own responsibilities.  All decisions and responsibilities are your own, and each have consequences.  You deal with those because they are within you.  Even if you run away hoping for a clean slate, you are still you and they remain within you.

Believe me, I’ve had such Anima and perceived and believed it true.  It seems like a script that MLC’ers get and follow.  I was lucky that I was not put in that position to make the possibility be more probable.  I was lucky that some wise men shared their experiences with me and said they regret and wish they did not do what ever destructive path they chose. 

I hope to return the favor and tell you, do nothing and confront yourself and answer, “what do I want in my life?”

Play it out in your head–not just the good parts….

You hook up with this woman of your past, and then what? Have sex to your contentment, really, and then what after that?  How do you picture yourself waking up, who’s doing the breakfast, who’s doing the cleaning from the bedsheet stains?  You need to showers, who’s cleaning the toilet eventually?

Oh, it’s the weekend, so head out and eat out, maybe a champagne brunch. Oh heck, just fly to Vegas for a week, live the high roller life–it’s only a week.  Drop some major cash, perhaps fill up the plastic, live life–life is short.

Come next weekend, or maybe just extend your fun trip for another week.  After all, the sex was good, different styles and she does wild things in her age–without any trace of inhibition.

But eventually, same old p*ssy is pretty much the same even if you’re just page 10 in the Kama Sutra.  You start noticing her quirks, sometimes irritating.  She has hang ups and baggage, too; not the same as your (ex)wife, but it is there.  She smells different, a different kind of stink that was exciting before, but not so hot anymore. 

You start seeing her as normal in her own way, and very much unlike your wife.  You soon get bored with her, or she bored with you.  Her interest goes in other directions not similar as yours.  You start comparing her with your (ex)wife and seeds of doubt you might possibly f*cked a perfectly imperfect marriage that you traded for this.

You read more stuff, seeking for answers.  You run into some post about the “in love” brain chemical that says that early “in love” brain chemical is addicting, but eventually wanes and loses its addictive properties.  And then you realize that you had such an “in love” brain chemical with your (ex)wife in the early years and that soon waned.  And that it is pretty much the same thing with this woman of the past that you traded for your (ex)wife.

You realize that you are the same person with the same crap to deal with inside.  Your hope for the magic that life turns things around and makes life better with little effort on your part to happen, does utterly fail. 

You realize that you’ve been procrastinating all your life to put your own effort in doing the things you want.  You realize that you’re just fooling yourself all along, and it hurts to face yourself, that you lied to yourself, that you deprived yourself living in integrity.

You realize too that your own pursuit to ego / perfection / the one brought you through the path of destruction, hurting the people you once proclaimed in your adult life to care, love and protect.

You grasp the concept that your life has worth, and everything in your life that you love is worthy.  But you realize that you were hurting so bad inside, that you’ve become self destructive, that you allow this fantasy and the “temporary remedy from the pain” to disregard the “logic and reality.”

But by then, you’ve walked and taken the path of destruction.  Hindsight and all.  Do you really want that kind of life of regret?

My suggestion is to confront this fantasy–be open and honest with your wife.  Bare your humanity, flaws, doubts, needs, sadness.  Even when you think such truth or perception will hurt her, if you really think it is honest, then she is one of the persons that deserves such honesty.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by “JM_May”

1. The Happy Marriage (23 years BGZ-before ground zero)

Love, youth, kids, friends, planning for the future. The usual ups and downs, but seemed to go by so fast that the bumps were not felt, the kids grew older too fast and life was good.

2. The Subconscious Struggle- Part A-No Clue (8-10 years BGZ)

I still percieved myself as being in an overall good situation. There were the usual stressors: work, teenagers, parents, bills, getting older, issues with my wife.

I kind of realized I was not quite satisfied with my life, but I could not put my finger on it. Looking back on this time I realize I was not the perfect companion, although at the time I was too focused on my own needs and struggles to see this.

I was a Dad, but still wanted to be a kid. I was a husband, but still wanted to be attractive to other women. I was pretty insecure in spite of my successes.

I was not totally satisfied, but was restless and completely unaware of the impending disaster.

2. The Subconscious Struggle, Part B-Very Slightly less clueless (0-8 years BGZ)

I was tending to focus more on issues with my spouse as the source for my restlessness. I never thought about leaving, but I began a lot of fantasizing about something different than what I had. I became more involved with exercise, music, coaching my kids (probably as a way to look for some distractions or fulfillment).

Still no thoughts of leaving, Loved my wife. Basically still clueless.

3. Fantasy Becomes Reality- Ground Zero (Tapers off over about one year)

All repressed frustration in my life seems to feel released when someone I have been fantasizing about shows emotional and physical interest in me.

The feeling is overwhelming. I imagine it feels like combining a bath in the fountain of youth, a rush of heroin reaching my brain, and the feeling of getting up on Christmas morning as a child, only better (I have only experienced Christmas morning).

I couldn’t stay away from it if my life depended on it. It was a pull so strong that came out of nowhere. It was like falling from the sky, I could only go down. When you are falling, how do you stop falling down and start to fall up?

4. Can’t Get Off the Train (or some trains do go both ways) (1-2 years post Ground Zero)-I still can’t get off

Confusion, ambivalence. I still loved my wife and my friend of 30 years. I still had the attraction/addiction to the other woman and the fantasy of another life.

Back and forth. Cortex vs Limbic system. Brain vs heart. New vs Old. Therapy, depression, suicidal thoughts, anti-depressants. The pain and hurt of my kids and wife.

I had no idea what I wanted or needed. I was still mostly blaming my wife for her role in this. If she had just changed, everything would have been different.

The pull from the other woman was like a drug (once I have started using I couldn’t stop). I could not be honest with my wife about contact with the other woman.

5. Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for landing. (Is this grand Central or Terrapin Station?)(2 years from Ground Zero to present)

Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Things seem clearer. I see what I have given up and who I have hurt. I take more responsibility.

This has been about me more than my wife. I am no longer depressed.

I am slowly learning about myself and why this happened. I am continuing psychotherapy and have recently begun spiritual counseling.

My wife has been very patient and as understanding as a person can be. Although I try to separate myself from the other woman, I still sometimes break down and contact her and cannot always be honest about this with my wife. Although I feel like I am learning to be more honest.

The fantasy of the other woman is less a fantasy and less addicting.

I feel like I want to go back to my wife and family , but I need to know this for sure. I don’t want to hurt them again, and it was also very painful for me. I want to move slowly and be sure I am ready before I commit.

I want to act out of wisdom, and not fear or guilt.

6. Stepping onto fertile ground- Feets, don’t fail me now!

I’m not there yet.

If it is with my wife. It will not be the same as before, it will be better.

There will be much happiness and good, but also some sad things. I will be much wiser and will be a better companion and friend from all I have learned.

I hope to be mindful of my partner’s needs and less focused on myself. I hope to work hard to keep my new relationship exciting and romantic.

I will live in the moment and not for the future.

Thanks for listening.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum in 2003 by forum member Paddy. All rights reserved.

I’m not sure that what I said in response to his email was what he wanted to hear. Much of my reply was based on the experience I’ve gained by going through two divorces of my own.

I said:

I’ve been trying to come up with a helpful reply but I don’t think I can give you the “complete” answer you want so let me just toss out some thoughts and suggestions.

Here are a few books I found at Amazon.com that you might want to consider. Most have used copies available which makes for a better buy:

The Divorce Recovery Source Book,
Always Dad: Being a Great Father During & After Divorce,
Divorce Rules For Men: A Man to Man Guide for Managing Your Split and Saving Thousands,
The Man’s Guide to the Art of Divorce, and
Man’s Guide to a Civilized Divorce: How to Divorce with Grace, a Little Class, and a Lot of Common Sense.

There were more books, but these came up at the top of the search list.

As far as setting up a new home… the period between marriage and a new life after divorce is one that is primarily a transitional one. In my opinion, you shouldn’t consider that home to be a permanent one. I think you should shop with “thrift” in mind so that your future home, the one that you make for yourself and possibly a new person, won’t have to be the one you set up for yourself while you are in the midst of a divorce struggle.

In other words, don’t go deeply into debt for this transitional space. Buy cheap and, if you find furniture that could be refinished or repaired, do the work in those quiet times when you need something to keep yourself busy. There are quite a few places to check for used furnishings… hospice stores, Goodwill, Salvation Army, yard sales, eBay, etc.

It can take some time to search for the right “stuff” but spending time now is better than maxing out credit cards and having a debt that could put a crimp in your future life. Same thing for the actual “space” you decide to move in to.

To make a major expenditure for a new place to live to fit this transitional time will cause problems should you decide to stay in your marriage. What do you do with everything? And what about the new debt? Same thing if/when you move through divorce and meet that new “perfect person” who may already have her own home and “stuff.” It’s difficult to work two complete households into one that suits both but not so difficult if one or both can let go and move into something new to them both that suits their new life together.

That’s the best I can do at this point other than to point you to a couple forums that might be of support. The first is Midlife Club forum, the second is the forum at About Divorce Support . Forums on both sites have extremely active members of both genders who can offer excellent advice.

© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.

Caveat #2: these thoughts are NOT meant to ‘excuse’ anyone’s behavior (including my own), whether it be in youth, midlife, or during the golden years. They are what they are: just thoughts.

Caveat #3: though I’m going to generalize (a lot), almost every statement in these thoughts could be prefaced with ‘most men’, or ‘some men’. My fingers are tired today, so I ain’t gonna write that every time (your eyes would be tired, too, if I did). I generally don’t like to generalize, but since I don’t know your husband, that’s all I can do.

OK. Housekeeping over. Let’s play out a little scenario, just to set the stage.

You’re a young boy, growing up in the ’50s, ’60s, or ’70s, somewhere in the U.S. Your family’s not particularly, rich, but they do ok. Your dad works, your mom stays at home and raises you. You are given the ‘typical’ edicts given to young men of that generation…

• Work hard, keep your nose clean, and everything will be ok.
• Big boys don’t cry.
• Stop whining. Nobody likes a crybaby.
• Just don’t think about it, and you’ll get over it (or something like that).

Your heros are John Wayne, or perhaps Clint Eastwood. They epitomize ‘maleness’… they don’t cry, they usually win, and when they don’t win they get drunk and punch someone out to make themselves feel better. Or shoot someone. They never ask themselves why they feel bad. That’d be ‘icky’.

As you grow up, you do your best. Maybe you go on to college, maybe you get a job in the trades. Either way, you do your best to make your parents proud of you. And, you find that they’re right: you may not be Johnny Unitas or Elvis Presley, but (much to your surprise, sometimes) there is a wonderful young lady who is willing to be your wife. You fall in love. You are happy.

Maybe you have kids, maybe you don’t. But, you work hard. You keep your nose to the grindstone. Since your wife probably works (times have changed, after all), her job and yours take a lot of time and attention. Or, the kids you’ve suddenly found you’re responsible for take up a lot of her and your time. You stop doing the things you did together. You stop holding hands. You stop talking about your dreams together. You’re both just too tired. Or too busy. It’s not ‘perfect’, but it’s tolerable, and it’s certainly better than most, you think.

Then, one day, ‘it’ happens.

Your father (or another relative), with whom you either had a deep and personal relationship, or perhaps had things left unsaid with, dies. You knew he was getting older, but the finality of being ‘alone’ is terrible. Or…

Your best friend, the guy you spent hours with in a fishing boat, swapping lies; the guy you played ball with for years; the guy you always went to break and lunch with at the job… he has a massive coronary and drives his car into a tree on the way to work one day. Or, after a sixpack, confides in you that he has prostate cancer that’s spread already, or that he has colon cancer, and is gonna have to wear a colostomy bag for the rest of his life. Or…

You’ve spent your entire life… the last 20 years, working to get ahead. You’re a manager, or a foreman. and now, your company is ‘reengineering’ itself, and you’re unemployed. Or, something else.

And you look up that day and say: wtf? Where have I been? Who am I? Who are all these people who depend on me? why? OH MY GOD!!!!

You don’t know if you’re happy. You remember that you USED to be happy, but you don’t know what that’s like now. You don’t really know if you’re unhappy, either. You feel empty. You feel confused. You feel trapped. You feel… angry.

You haven’t been taught to recognize and deal with what you’re feeling, only to suppress it. So you do. But, you get SOOOOOO pissed it’s really hard. You turn cold, icy, to your wife and kids. Maybe to your friends. At least you’re not yelling at them, you figure.

Because, THEY are the problem!!! THEY trapped you, THEY don’t understand you.

Your wife’s the easiest target for this anger. After all, you know you USED to be happy. Oh, wait, that was 40 lbs ago. She just doesn’t look as good these days (never mind that you have ‘dunlap’ disease). That was when she used to pay attention to you (paradoxically, she now pays TOO MUCH attention to you sometimes, the nag).

The little things that used to make you smile, the cute little mannerisms, now they just annoy you. All the things she’s ever done ‘to’ you come back. Never mind that you forgave most of those things. You make some more stuff up. She’s part of the problem, after all. She HAS to be. You’re trapped. It’s her fault.

Occasionally, that icy exterior just snaps, and you slam on the breaks in traffic, and say: WHAT?? Or, you try to be a ‘real man’ and displace your anger at your wife at the driver of the car trying to merge. Or, you punch a door. Sometimes, you punch her. Mostly, though, you’re just the iceman. Clint would do it this way. He’d just shut up and take it, with the occasional eruption.

Will he ever get through it? Maybe. But not without facing the future while at peace with his past. He needs to know himself, and like himself. If he can’t do that, he’ll never lose the anger. He’ll never like – or love – you.

Because, he’s really angry at himself, with the confusion he feels and can’t work through, and until he deals with that, he’ll stay angry at you. And most everyone else. He’ll be ‘lost’.

Sorry if this got too long or too boring, but I wanted to see if I could share some of the desperation men feel at this time. Don’t know if I succeeded or not.

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum in 2001 by forum member Matt. All rights reserved.

Are you living with a Midlife Crisis Man?

If the man in your life is showing more than three of the following six male midlife crisis signals, you are sharing your life with a Midlife Crisis Man:

–Impulsive behavior and decisions. A Midlife Crisis Man has a tendency to fly off on tangents (with or without a cape) when it comes to issues of money, career, and/or relationships.

–Complaints of feeling trapped. A Midlife Crisis Man often talks about feeling stuck or powerless.

–Questioning everything. A Midlife Crisis Man will often ask why he’s doing what he’s do or why he must keep obligations.

–Sudden obsession with appearance. A Midlife Crisis Man is hung up on externals like appearance. He is often caught obsessing over his diet, exercise routine, hair, and face.

–Getting lost in the past. A Midlife Crisis Man will excessively reminisce about youthful triumphs and pleasures is a common midlife crisis symptom. He lives in the land of “The Good Old Days.”

–Increased reliance on addictive substances. A Midlife Crisis Man is often seen drinking, eating, smoking, or gambling to excess.

So what do you do if you have a Midlife Crisis Man on your hands?

The reason your guy has turned into an antihero who’s driving you crazy is because he’s got his focus on the past and on what he’s lost or on what he’s afraid of losing. You need to change his focus.

You can turn Midlife Crisis Man into Manifestation Man if you begin engaging your man in conversations about your great future.

Ask him what he would do if he could do anything he wanted. Ask him where he wants to go. Ask him how he wants to feel. Get him thinking about what he wants instead of what he doesn’t want.
This new focus can be like kryptonite to Midlife Crisis Man. It can suck the midlife crisis right out your guy. A new focus on wants has enormous power.

When a man is thinking about the life he wants instead of the one he used to have or the one he feels trapped in, he will begin to pull that new life into his reality. The mind has the power to give your man the best of everything in the second half of his life. This will give you the best of everything too

Instead of worrying about your man when he starts acting strange in midlife, take steps today to do away with Midlife Crisis Man.

Ande Waggener, J.D., is an author and life coach who provides information and resources for baby boomers who want to Finally Live Unleashed. Find out how to turn your problems into power. Get a free report on how to create outstanding results in your life at http://www.miseryslayer.com

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Andrea_Waggener

Does your husband have any other grandchildren or is this the first contact, therefore, the first time he has been called “grandpa?”

It might not seem such a big deal to you, but there are many men who still believe they are only 25 until that “G” word is used and then they look in the mirror and see an old man looking back. This can be the very trigger to push him into full blown “midlife crisis” which he might be experiencing based upon what you have said.

If it is the start of his midlife crisis, and more men than not go through it, you’re in for a bumpy time. Just make sure you have your head on straight and can deal with some off-the-wall stuff from him.

Every man responds differently at this time, so there is no one answer that will help you other than don’t take what he does personally, and be as patient as you can with him and with yourself.

© Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved.

What are they?

We seek to be Respected.

We seek to be Appreciated.

We seek to be Desired.

Any honor, any recognition of high achievement bestowed upon us, any value we place on life, includes these three ingredients. Of all institutions most basic in life, we look for these in marriage.

I will not belabour the point. It stands alone on its own merit. Anyone who reads them can fill in the blanks to their situation. Really, all other elements we seek fall under the scope of these three, don’t they? If all three are present then the other needs we have fall into line.\

Posted on the Midlife Club Forum by forum member Newman. Visit his site, FortySixty.org, which is primarily focused on men in crisis.

Well it doesn’t take too much of a stretch of imagination to understand. We men have always known that “feeling good” and testosterone boosts go hand-in-hand. But now that science has caught up to our grade 9 science class they finally have something to say.

A consistent finding in the scientific literature is that testosterone increase even by replacement therapy produces an increased feeling of well-being. Published studies show that low levels of free testosterone correlates with symptoms of depression and other psychological disorders.

According to www.lef.org the most frequent common side effect of prescription antidepressant drugs is the suppression of libido. This is NOT what we want. Those with depression either accept this drug-induced reduction in quality of life, or get off the antidepressant drugs so they can at least have a somewhat normal sex life.

If more psychiatrists had their clients blood tested for free testosterone and prescribed natural testosterone therapies to those with low free testosterone, the need for libido-suppressing antidepressant drugs could be reduced or eliminated.

Testosterone replacement often enhances libido, the opposite effect of most prescription antidepressants. One study showed that patients with major depression experienced improvement that was equal to that achieved with standard antidepressant drugs.

A 12-month clinical trial using Androderm resulted in a statistically significant reduction in the depression score (6.9 before versus 3.9 after). Also noted were highly significant decreases in fatigue: from 79% before the patch to only 10% after 12 months.

According to Jonathan Wright, M.D., co-author of Maximize Your Vitality & Potency, the following effects have been reported in response to low free testosterone levels:

• Loss of ability to concentrate
• Moodiness and emotionality
• Touchiness and irritability
• Great timidity
• Feeling weak
• Inner unrest
• Memory failure
• Reduced intellectual agility
• Passive attitudes
• General tiredness
• Reduced interest in surroundings

The above feelings can also be clinical symptoms of depression, and testosterone replacement therapy has been shown to alleviate these conditions. Testosterone thus has exciting therapeutic potential in the treatment of depression in men.

So why don’t doctors treat our hormones then instead? The answer is profound. Medical doctors in training for 7 years receive only 4 days teaching that covers “hormones”.
Yet when you go to see him; he is supposed to be in-the-know and likely won’t tell you that he doesn’t know. To him it is simpler to prescribe a drug to treat the symptom than to earnestly seek a cure in a region he knows very little about.

Even if you were to ask for a Testosterone Blood Test – they will test your total testosterone levels and report a scale of low / normal / high. These results mean absolutely nothing. “Normal” is interpreted as average for a midlife male between forty and sixty years old. Never mind that what is typically “average” for a midlife male is the results in the list above. My response to my doctor was “I have about all of the normal that I care to take!

The only blood test that will indicate true results is a bio-available testosterone test that measures how much free testosterone is not bound by SGBG or converted (aromatased) into Estrogen. A high level of total testosterone with a high level of Estrogen (E2) will yield the same results in the above list.

Doctors don’t / won’t treat our hormones because they do not know enough and are often resistant to their patients teaching them.

Two major cycles of a man in midlife crisis (depression & anxiety) are directly related to his current levels of bio-available free testosterone. We can deal effectively with much at the root of midlife male depression by inhibiting the conversion of your testosterone into estrogen. Furthermore we may release more bio-available testosterone to your receptors by reducing SHBG’s binding of free testosterone.

Two Natural Supplements that aid this process are Chrysin-pepperine and Nettle Root Extract. Flavonoids such as chrysin are of considerable interest because they suppress excess estrogen via their aromatase-inhibiting properties. Although this cancer preventing effect is most important for women, inhibiting aromatase in midlife men has tremendous potential for naturally suppressing excess estrogen while boosting low levels of testosterone. Pilot studies indicate that chrysin increases total and free testosterone levels in the majority of men who take it with piperine – pepper extract.

Nettle Root Extract

About 90% of testosterone is produced by the testes; the remainder is produced by the adrenal glands. Testosterone functions as an aphrodisiac hormone in brain cells and as an anabolic hormone in the development of bone and skeletal muscle. But testosterone that becomes bound to serum globulin (SHBG) is not available to cell receptor sites. The hormone that controls levels of free testosterone is called SHBG. When testosterone binds to SHBG, it loses its biological activity and becomes known as “bound testosterone,” as opposed to the desirable “free testosterone.”

To get the desired antidepressant results of free testosterone we need to free it up from SHBG. Enter Nettle. A highly concentrated extract from the nettle root provides a unique mechanism for increasing levels of free testosterone. European research has identified constituents of nettle root that bind to SHBG in place of testosterone, thus reducing SHBG’s binding of free testosterone. As the authors of one study stated, these constituents of nettle root “may influence the blood level of free, i.e., active, steroid hormones by displacing them from the SHBG binding site.”

As wonderful as these natural substances are they pale in comparison with prescription BIOIDENTICAL Testosterone Replacement unless he is in early stages of testosterone decline (age 34- 40ish). As Emerald said “ a cream made by a compounding Pharmacy” is best and bioidentical to our bodies natural production. Within days to weeks he will feel like a new man and be more empowered to lay the crisis of midlife to rest.

Testosterone replacement does not end MLC but it DOES give us the power and clarity of mind to deal with many of the issues we confront while in it. Finding the right doctor is most men’s challenge.

Posted on the Midlife Crisisk Forum by forum member Newman. Visit Newman’s site FortySixty.org which primarily provides support for men dealing with male midlife crisis.

Rude Awakenings: First Signs of Trouble

Many members of the Midlife Wives Club recall with excruciating accuracy the precise moment they knew their lives would never be the same. Grace had a premonition. Her husband, Roger, had returned to England from a trip overseas. After sleeping late, he said he wanted to take a walk to get some fresh air and buy a paper.

Grace was anxious to hear about his trip and watched the clock. He seemed to be taking much longer than expected. She began to pace the house, which was tidy and clean. She had stayed up into the early hours making everything perfect for him, because before the trip, he complained about the children’s messes and how he yearned for “clean spaces.” “The fact that I was trying so hard to please him while he was planning to leave me chokes me to this day.”

Then, she saw his briefcase by the front door, where the children’s backpacks usually littered the hallway. She picked it up to keep the area neat, but for some reason, she popped open the clasp and noticed a packet of condoms. “My heart was thudding, but I felt incredibly calm,” Grace said, “even though I knew from that moment my life would never be the same again.”

But it hadn’t been a bolt out of the blue. Grace had known for a long time Roger was unhappy with his life. He had become depressed the previous year and was taking antidepressants. He was losing his hair, which bothered him. Plus he lost his parents within a short duration of each other and felt guilty that he hadn’t spent more time with them in recent years. He felt pressure at work and at home, and he looked forward to the business trip because he said it might help give him some “needed space.”

As Grace walked slowly down the street to meet him, she noticed a guarded look in his eyes. She spoke in the calmest voice she could muster. “Do you have anything to tell me?” He said no and she repeated the question. Roger appeared flustered and shook his head. “Are you having an affair?” Grace asked.

Again Roger denied it, but Grace asked once more. This time he admitted it. “I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach,” she said, “yet I couldn’t stop asking the questions that would hurt me more: how long it had been going on, how old she was-twenty years younger than me!-and if he was still seeing her. Roger told me the affair started six months earlier and reminded me of the day he called in a panic when he learned there had been a takeover bid for his company and they were talking about who might be redundant. I remember thinking that was such a harsh word for someone who had given ten years to his job, and how my heart had gone out to him. He said he had to work late, which I understood, but instead he went out with her. I kept up the interrogation until he confessed that he loved her. From that moment, my marriage of 18 years was over.”

Another woman, Annie*, could barely bring herself to recall the moment she faced the truth. It was especially painful for her because as a reporter in Nashville, she was used to uncovering other people’s dirty secrets, but chose to ignore her husband Larry’s unexplained absences. One day, on a whim, she opened the accounting files. “He paid the bills and dealt with the taxes-chores I hated-so he hadn’t hidden the receipts for jewelry and lingerie. But there they were: the proof my marriage was a lie. Up until then, I had a starry-eyed naiveté about love that made my heart turn over every time I saw Larry walk in the door. To think I felt that way even though he had been with another woman!”

Like Annie, Lee* avoided all the signs. “I had been out of town for my father-in-law’s funeral and stayed a few extra days to help my mother-in-law. The children went home to Wisconsin with my husband. A neighbor agreed to take care of the children after school until their father got home from work. They were at her house when I got back in town, so I went over to pick them up.” Lee wanted to hurry home to unpack, but the neighbor asked her to come into the kitchen for a cup of coffee.

” ‘There’s something I have to tell you about,’ she said, then told me how she had seen James with another woman at a local park. I was about to say it could have been someone from work and she shouldn’t jump to conclusions when she said they were kissing. I looked straight at her and said, ‘Not my James, he wouldn’t do that, there is no way he would ever do anything like that!’ I asked if she could feed the kids supper, then went home and confronted James when he walked in the door.” James began to cry and begged Lee to believe he had needed to talk to someone who’d experienced the loss of a father. Lee asked him about the kiss, and he swore the neighbor had been exaggerating a friendly peck on the cheek. Still Lee suspected there was more to it.

All these women were blindsided by revelations that their marriages were far rockier than they had imagined. Why? Was it something they had done? Had their spouses been tempted by another woman? Had their husbands changed over time, and they had failed to notice the signs?

–from How To Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette, copyright © 2003 by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved, reprinted with permission from the publisher.

We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our love object or its love. – Sigmund Freud, written in 1930, age 74

You are in a committed relationship, married or involved exclusively with one another. You thought everything was glorious-or, at least as glorious as it gets. All relationships have some rough spots. But now it seems that you are always fighting. Or he just doesn’t act like himself anymore. He doesn’t like his job. He wants a sportier car. He says you and he have grown apart. He wants something but he doesn’t know what.

All relationships have their difficult times, but when a previously sensible man morphs into an angry stranger, the difficulties compound. Does your man say he is no longer “in love” with you but his reasons, if any, are vague at best? Is he trying to reinvent himself as a younger, hipper guy? Is he looking for an elusive “something” that he can’t define?

Have you twisted yourself inside out in an attempt to please him, but with no success? Maybe it’s time you stop trying to change yourself and focus on the real cause of his conduct. If this is new behavior for him and he is between the ages of 35 and 50, your man is blazing a trail through midlife-and he is probably having a crisis. But how do you know for sure? And if it is a crisis, what can you do about it?

You are not alone. Pat Gaudette has been through a midlife crisis twice-first as the person in crisis, then as the person affected by the crisis-and wanted to help others find their way through this confusing time. Because she understood the importance of having a strong support system, she established the Midlife Wives Club on the Internet for women caught in the middle of their man’s crisis, and later went on to write this book.

To join the Midlife Wives Club, log on to www.midlifewivesclub.com. Here you will find women sharing their experiences, giving advice to others, and finding answers to the questions that had been undermining their confidence. In this safe place, you will discover not only a sisterhood of survivors, but also a surprising bonus: men-themselves bewildered by their jumbled feelings-who provide another viewpoint that may help fit the puzzle together.

Women’s midlife crises are also explored online. However, this book is a window into male midlife crisis primarily from the perspective of the women who take this unexpected journey-even though they were not planning to go and their bags were not packed.

When you read the stories on the website, you will not find the contributors’ names as they appear in this book (with the exception of the authors Pat Gaudette and Gay Courter). Most participants select screen names. While screen identities work in an online environment, Midlife Wives Club members are real people telling intimate stories, so we decided to give them fictional first names.

We told online club members a book was in progress. Some chose to actively participate in the process, filled out questionnaires, picked pseudonyms for themselves and their partners, and altered other aspects of their identity. We assigned other contributors fictitious names.

Midlife Wives Club members log on worldwide, but while a region or country may be specified, no location is precise. The Internet is a global community, and midlife issues are faced by most couples to some degree-whether they live in Australia or Alabama, Japan or Johannesburg, London or Louisville. One of the strengths of the club is the support network that is available 24/7, regardless of time zone, because when people are distraught, they need immediate assistance and comfort.

While a few of the members’ posts contain direct quotes, all have been edited for conciseness and clarity, as well as fictionalized further to protect anonymity. Pat, who pioneered the website, is sharing the story of her second marriage with “Frank”; however that husband’s name has been changed. She is married again and nothing in this book reflects any aspect of that marriage. Gay has been married to Philip (real name) for 35 years. Nobody, except for Pat herself and Gay’s family, is identified correctly. If someone sees their real name or that of a spouse, it is merely a coincidence.

How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis contains the wisdom distilled from hundreds of thousands of anguished queries from apprehensive women and empathetic responses from the seasoned veterans who share their survival tactics. The contributors are mostly Americans, but there is strong international representation. Most are the partners of middle-aged men or are having relationship issues and find many of the discussions on subjects like marital disputes, adultery, abuse, abandonment, and divorce are pertinent to them.

Some of the women are relieved to learn that their worst fears are not justified. Others see the pieces of their marital puzzle lining up to form the picture of a classic crisis. How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis will show how other wives began to suspect something was wrong. Some found out in one rude awakening. For others the realization came more slowly.

For every woman the news is shattering, and she must face an onslaught of decisions and choices as she ventures on her unanticipated expedition. All along the way, fellow travelers down this bumpy road will share their experiences as well as their varied perspectives.

Some women may choose to leave their spouses, others stand by their men through thick or thin. Many feel they have been left with no choices when their mates leave them. When the men chime in, their point of view is set off in “His Turn” sections, because understanding the nature of the beast is crucial before making life-changing decisions.

What are the men feeling? Is this a typical rite of passage? Will he get over it? Will life return to “normal”? Is every man vulnerable? Is he depressed, and might therapy or medication help? How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis includes the latest research-and controversies-on male midlife crisis.

Social scientists disagree about how to define this phenomenon and whether there is a male counterpart to a woman’s menopause. But just as every 2-year-old learns the word “no!” and most teenagers turn ornery, every person experiences a midlife turning point to some degree.

Around the time Pat’s second husband, Frank, became a grandfather, a serious illness forced him to face his own mortality, and the weak economy pushed their business to the brink of bankruptcy. The cumulative stress resulted in a midlife crisis. While Gay’s husband, Philip, did not have to confront so many issues simultaneously, he was not immune to the doubts that come when a man realizes half his life is over. Pat’s husband bought motorcycles and sailboats. Gay’s lusted after a classic sports car but ended up with an airplane. Pat and Frank drifted apart and agreed to a divorce. A plane crash helped Gay and Philip clarify their goals and values, and they adopted an older child from foster care. Pat found contentment in a new career and subsequent marriage.

Not every couple will identify their transitions as a crisis, but they probably have experienced alterations, choices, and changes from mild discontent to full-blown upheaval. Some couples are adept in traversing the obstacle course of life as a team, others have a harder time working together or overcoming individual problems from their past that cannot be repressed at midlife.

Long-time club members show how the midlife crisis experience evolves. Some of the participants who have been members of the club for many years share the long-term progress of their crisis. In Chapter 10 we learn how their crises resolved and the current status of their marriages.

The Midlife Wives Club is an interactive website with a forum, which is arranged by current discussion topics, that offers immediate feedback to questions and a way to express feelings and get help. How to Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis has distilled the best material and advice from thousands of postings on topics like how to tell your children and family, what to do if you suspect infidelity, and how to deal with your emotional rollercoaster.

Worried mates will find practical advice on everything from what to do today to planning your future with-or without-the man who seems to be changing before your eyes. We urge readers to join the club online to get answers to their own questions and also to use the resources in the book’s appendix to locate other pertinent websites and books that club members report helped them cope.

–from How To Survive Your Husband’s Midlife Crisis by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette, copyright © 2003 by Gay Courter and Pat Gaudette. All rights reserved, reprinted with permission from the publisher.